New Dad Struggling With Intimacy, Exhaustion, and Feeling Disconnected
Dads of Reddit,
This is going to be a long one, so I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it and respond. Humanity invented Reddit specifically so exhausted parents could emotionally autopsy their relationships at 2 AM instead of sleeping. Remarkable species.
My girlfriend and I have a 5-month-old daughter, and we recently celebrated our 8-year anniversary. But since the baby was born, everything feels different.
I’ll get straight to the point: I really miss intimacy and sex.
Before the baby, we had sex around twice a week, and we both naturally initiated it. Now, if I don’t initiate anything, nothing happens. We currently have sex maybe once a month.
And honestly, I do understand why. My girlfriend is breastfeeding, our baby is pretty demanding, and nights are rough. The baby wakes up as many as 8 times a night to feed, and there are days when she cries a lot. She’s healthy and doing well, and there are also beautiful days where she wakes up smiling and laughs with us all day long.
Today I opened up to my girlfriend and told her how much I miss intimacy and sex. She said she misses it too, but that the baby drains all her energy and that everything is exhausting. I completely understand that, and I really try to make things easier for her however I can.
A week before her due date, I took time off work. When her water broke, we rushed to the hospital, and I stayed with her through the entire 14-hour labor. I stayed with her in the hospital for 5 days until we went home, and then I stayed home with her for the full 6 weeks afterward.
It’s been hard for me to bond with the baby because she’s very attached to her mom, but I’m trying my best and I do feel it’s slowly getting better. In the beginning, I used to get up with the baby at night and change her diapers. Later I started bathing her myself whenever needed, and now that we’ve started solids, I feed her too. Whenever I’m home, I help however I can.
At the same time, I work around 190 hours a month.
Since becoming a dad, I’ve noticed I’m constantly exhausted, I get irritated much more easily, and sometimes I lose my temper. I’m not proud of that. I know I’m not perfect, but I’m genuinely trying to provide for my family as best as I can.
When we talked this morning, she said things will get better and that we should focus on improving our intimacy. But I already feel kind of apathetic because this isn’t the first time we’ve talked about it.
The thing that hurt me the most was when I told her she last gave me a blowjob shortly after childbirth and nothing since then. She replied that I should just ask for it. But before, she used to do those things on her own, and if I have to ask, it feels mechanical to me, like the magic and desire are gone. Then she said I was being selfish for feeling this way.
Maybe she didn’t mean it badly, but that comment really stuck with me.
We also got our daughter used to sleeping in our bed so my girlfriend doesn’t have to get up as much during the night. She can just breastfeed and go back to sleep. Before the baby, we used to sleep naked together, but now she sleeps clothed. I still slept naked because, in my mind, it’s my child and at 5 months old she obviously has no awareness of that kind of thing.
Today my girlfriend told me it makes her uncomfortable that I sleep naked in the same bed as the baby. I told her I’d start wearing clothes because her comfort matters more to me than my own convenience.
We always wanted two kids, but right now it already feels like even one is overwhelming.
Does this get better? Does the relationship recover? I love both of them deeply. I don’t have nearly the same bond with my daughter that her mom has yet, but I hope that as she gets older, starts talking, and becomes more interactive, things will feel different and better.