19F in LDR with 19M boyfriend. Past insecurity and anger issues improved, but I’m struggling with fading attraction and trust. Can this work long term?
I am 19 (F) and my boyfriend is 19 (M). We met online when I was 16 and we have been in an LDR for almost 3 years. He's my first boyfriend and same goes for him. We've never met in real life but we video call and text a lot. The thing is, when I met him, he seemed extremely caring, emotionally mature and devoted. But as time passed, I could see the flaws caused by his traumatic childhood.
He became very insecure and possessive over time. He had issues with me being affectionate with even my female friends and would get extremely hurt if he felt ignored or emotionally neglected. I tried to leave him but couldn’t. He kept promising he would improve and over time he genuinely did make progress. He took a great deal of time but slowly, he has turned better and often doesn't repeat the same mistakes now. If I tried to leave before, he would beg. And I'm not trying to justify his behavior. I tend to process situations more rationally while he reacts emotionally. In the beginning he seemed calmer and more emotionally stable, but over time unresolved trauma and insecurity started affecting the relationship.
What makes this difficult is that he genuinely has improved over time, even if the progress has been slow. He often feels I'm cold and distant but the thing is Over time I became emotionally distant because I felt overwhelmed by his spiraling emotions and don’t really open properly to anyone now. Despite that, he still says all he wants is to stay with me. Sometimes he can be genuinely very insecure and possessive.
Our sexual connection used to feel exciting and emotional but slowly it turned repetitive and timings got set for intimacy due to our busy schedules. Over time the attraction started fading for me, especially because we’ve never met in person. I still occasionally feel attracted during calls, but not as much over text anymore. He has struggled with insecurity about his appearance and is improving now. We confessed to each other before even knowing what the other looked like, which is part of why this relationship still means so much to me.
From an year, he's gotten really irresponsible too related to college and everything. He keeps procrastinating saying he's tired and not interested and all. He never wanted to do a job so he's doing other stuff like freelancing and all. He's skipping college though and I kinda feel it's irresponsible. He keeps saying he wants to focus on one thing but that's what he started recently. Until a few weeks ago, he was that same careless person. I know he went through a lot of stuff but the man I met in the start was really responsible and someone who was really productive. He has recently started trying to become more productive again. His lack of responsibility over the past year also made me lose some respect and trust.
I don’t think I’m fully physically attracted to him anymore. I love him but due to his recent behavior, I started losing respect and trust but he's trying his hardest to gain it back. I still love him deeply but my trust and respect have been affected. I did plan my whole future with him which I think about it even now.
Some days I feel sure he’s the person I want long term, and other days I feel uncertain because of the emotional damage and fading attraction. Not just because of his face but habits too. But he's really devoted and me as well. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Maybe because I haven't had any real life interactions, that's why. I don't know what to do honestly.
Right now, things are good between us. He supports me in everything and treats me really good He used to behave very badly during arguments earlier in the relationship but now he has improved. I'm not sure what to do about this. I don't want to lose him as I really love him. I’ve felt disrespected multiple time but he’s always trying hard for me but the loop repeats in some or the other way. He also gets extremely insecure about fictional male characters I like, to a level that genuinely worries me.
Can a relationship realistically recover long-term when there has been emotional toxicity, fading attraction and loss of respect even if the person is genuinely trying to improve? How can I approach this situation realistically?
TLDR: My long term online boyfriend became emotionally toxic and insecure over time due to unresolved trauma, although he has genuinely improved. But my attraction and trust have somewhat faded, and I’m unsure whether this relationship can realistically work long term.