u/Independent-Figure-9

I’ve had this friend who I have known for years. Over the years she went through a lot. She lost her job, got depressed, got evicted, and had to move back in with her parents. Her family situation is really stressful too. Her brother is addicted to drugs and has episodes where he becomes paranoid and aggressive, and it causes constant tension in the family. She also fights with her parents a lot because she feels like they don’t hold boundaries with him and she feels trapped in the middle of the chaos at home. So I already knew she had become more stressed and intense over the years.

We hadn’t seen each other in person in months, maybe close to a year, but it was about to be my birthday and she offered to book me an Airbnb for the weekend and celebrate with me. At first I thought it was really sweet and generous because she paid for a lot and genuinely seemed excited to spend time together again.

Before the trip we spent a day together and she offered to help me by driving me to the vet for my pets and discussing Airbnb plans. There were random moments where her tone would suddenly change and she would get irritated or start correcting me very intensely over little things. It’s hard to explain but she would get emotionally activated really quickly. Her face would change, her tone would get sharp, and I excused this behavior despite the emotional intensity due to the subject being an extremely sensitive topic such as her brother crashing two cars. 

At first I ignored it because I thought maybe she just needed to vent about her home life and I wasn’t understanding the effects of having a brother that is in active addiction.

Then the Airbnb weekend happened.

The confusing part is that she was still technically being “nice” through actions:

• paying for things
• driving me
• helping me
• hosting
• trying to celebrate my birthday

At first it started with small trivial things:

• We sat down on the couch and she immediately asked me to switch seats with her. Then she asked me what I wanted to watch but she really wanted me to watch two specific shows she liked that I have never seen. The entire weekend I felt forced to watch what she wanted. While watching, she would randomly ask me questions about the plot almost like she was testing me to see if I was paying attention enough.
• She watched me while I washed dishes and told me to make sure I cleaned the sink afterward and removed food from the drain.
• We had planned to stay awake until midnight to do a birthday countdown together, but she said she was taking a nap and instead went to sleep at 8 PM and didn’t wake up until the next morning.
• The Airbnb was right on the boardwalk and we had planned to go to the beach on my actual birthday, but we never went because she said she was too tired.
• She mentioned a meme that I didn't know and said what side of Tiktok you on and said that by me watching the new shows she showed me it would “improve my FYP”

Some things that stood out (it gets worst):

She took around 3 hours showering and getting ready while I waited around so I could finally use the bathroom to shower too. Then while I was about to get ready, she started asking me:

• how long I was going to take
• whether I was shaving
• if I was almost done

The Airbnb only had one good mirror in the bathroom, so while she sat there doing her makeup comfortably, I had to sit on the floor using a tiny portable mirror balanced on top of my suitcase to do my makeup.

Even after all that time, she still lagged getting ready and then had ME help set up my own birthday setup because my friends were arriving soon. She had bought:

• balloons
• a cake
• veggie snacks
• a cheese board

but because she still wasn’t ready, I was blowing up balloons and setting things up myself instead of actually feeling celebrated.

Another thing that bothered me was how much waiting around there was the entire trip. One of my guy friends was late meeting us before the club. The meetup was supposed to be at 9 PM, but I was more annoyed with her because she wanted to keep extending the waiting time:

• I first wanted to wait until 11 PM but I pushed back and said no that's late.
• Then being forced to compromise because she said “fine till 10:25 PM”.

while everyone just sat down and did not eat the cake because we were waiting when my guy friend could have met us at the club instead.

On the Uber ride to the club:

• she sat in the front passenger seat
• me and my three friends sat in the back

She was on the phone with my guy friend and whispered something. Then she repeated it out loud saying:
“Sorry, I’ve been hanging out with a bunch of Mexicans all day, that’s why I have an accent.”

That made me uncomfortable because me and all my friends there are Mexican and she’s Iraqi. I honestly felt shocked by the comment. 

Once we got to the club, she actually behaved better in the group setting than she did one-on-one with me, which I was relieved about because beforehand I was genuinely anxious she might be rude or controlling toward my friends too. I actually started heavily drinking before my friends arrived because I was nervous and trying to loosen up. Unfortunately, I accidentally blacked out part of the night.

The next morning is honestly when I started seriously reevaluating the friendship.

I woke up feeling hangover anxiety and asked her if she was hungover too. She said no. I lightly mentioned I was mostly struggling with hangover anxiety, and instead of comforting me she immediately started criticizing my friends from the night before.

She said:

• Friend A talks too loud and too much
• that when Friend A talks it feels like she talks “at you” instead of “to you”
• that both of my girlfriends were “boy crazy on Tinder”
• that Friend B was too quiet and “might as well not even have been there”

Then she started talking about how she herself was trying to be the “group mom” and how she felt offended because one of my friends joked about being the group mom too, which apparently made her feel like she wasn’t doing a good enough job.

She also complained:

• that one friend walked too fast and called her a “skinny bitch” ( I have a similar body to that of the friend she was referring to)
• that Friend B kept giving me shots
• that she herself had to “pretend” to take shots because “that’s what real adulting looks like”

Then she suddenly wanted to “replay” the night and started acting out my behavior from the club. Some of it felt playful, but parts of it honestly felt mocking, especially because I had already told her I was feeling hangover anxiety and embarrassed.

She showed me videos she secretly recorded:

• one of me and my guy friend dancing (he was recording us though and no one asked her to record us dancing… I didn't even know she was)
• another of all of us girls walking arm-in-arm on the boardwalk

In the second video she had the flash on and recorded my face while I was visibly extremely drunk and out of it. I genuinely felt violated and uncomfortable seeing that because I didn’t even know she was recording me at the time. She said it was “for memories,” but it made me feel worse.

At that point I actually started crying because I already felt emotionally fragile.

Instead of comforting me, she immediately started lecturing me about alcohol and brought up the beer situation again:
“You should never drink beer before liquor.”
“Beer before liquor never sicker.”
“I should’ve taken the beer away from you.”

I tried pushing back by explaining:

• I like beer
• I don’t enjoy taking shots like she does
• it was my birthday
• I understood her opinion already

But she kept going and eventually said:
“What are you, a little kid that needs a lollipop?”

That honestly hurt my feelings badly because it felt so insulting and condensing over something such as beer when it was really just the amount of alcohol I had that was the main problem but she refused to accept my truth.

At that point I realized there was no point arguing back because every disagreement turned into a lecture.

Even on the last 24 hours together there were more moments:

• I ran the dishwasher early so we could sleep in before checkout and she checked the dishwasher settings and lectured me about which drying setting I chose
• she corrected me about not closing the wet wipes packet that I never even used once
• she got irritated that I hadn’t put leftover food into a trash bag to make it easier for her to carry out

Meanwhile:

• we were already late checking out
• she herself had overslept
• I had already packed everything the night before so we could leave quickly

On the drive home she started talking about extending her trip in another Airbnb for 4 more days because she didn’t want to go back home while her brother was around. Then she asked me to stay longer with her because: “we never got to go to the beach” and said we could still have so much fun.

Thankfully it was Mother’s Day so I said I had plans with my mom and that I would have to ask my mom for permission but later I lied and told her my mom said no because honestly by the end of the trip I felt emotionally drained. I feel bad for lying but coming home genuinely felt like a breath of fresh air. 

I think after hearing her say that she’s the “mom” of the group made me realize that she sees herself as the leader or mentor which causes her need for control in all things even with friends. But idk I don't like how I felt around her but she did make an effort to book an Airbnb and paid for so much I feel like I owe her. Now I am wondering if this is a friendship worth keeping or should I just cut her off?