u/Independent-Heron440

This is the name I finally put to something I have felt for a long time. I struggle to understand that I exist to other people, can be seen, have opinions or thoughts held about me. I feel that when I am no longer in the presence of someone, I cease to exist (of course, I know logically this isn't true.)

This is the same principle as solipsism, the belief that oneself is the only thing that is 'real'. Except, I feel in a semi-subconcious way that I am the only thing thay is not provably real, as soon as I leave focal points of the peefeption of others I cease to exist to the world.

Lately, (the last year or so) I've felt very normal. But every once in a while, I have a down day, nothing out of the ordinary on it's own, but I can definitely feel myself starting to slip again, it worries me a bit. The old paranoia and feelings of being targeted by those arround me start to come up again, no matter how absurd the idea might be.

Does 'It' come and go for anyone else?

I have some sort of delusional self evaluation of attractiveness. I may look in the mirror and see myself as immensly attractive. I walk into a room and think everyone must see me as such. An hour, day, or maybe a week later I look again and I look like a ghoul (an insult to ghouls.) It fluctuates back and forth, and I never feel to be the accurate judge of myself.

Here, highlights the split in my thinking (and maybe this is shared.) The 'feeling' part of my brain seems to always be off the rails in one direction or another, while the 'rational' or 'observer' brain looks upon impartially. Logically, I know I'm not so far one way or another as the Feeling brain says I am, but the Observer's words never seem as convincing as the Feeler's.

This all makes me wish that we had no face, or that it was socially acceptable to wear masks of your own choosing. Wearing a mask, chosen by yourself is a form of expression I find fascinating. It shows 'you' better than your face, not unlike showing a bit of your soul.

In some way, I am entirely offputting to everyone around me. I can't understand why, I'm not ugly (I don't think), I don't smell (I don't think), and I'm not totally social inept (I don't think).

So why does it seem that everyone avoids me like the plague? It doesn't matter if I try to start conversation or not. Often times, I try, get a glance in my direction and am promptly ignored by both genders. This doesn't help my feelings of not being human whatsoever. Is it really that obvious?

If anyone else has amy insights, do tell