Think I'm trans but worried about how it will affect my life. What do I do?
Okay, serious post here about something I’ve never openly discussed but really need to get off my chest.
I (23M) am from Northern England and since I was about 13 I’ve had an ongoing mental battle with my gender identity and sexuality.
Outwardly, I’ve always lived as a fairly traditional but quirky straight man. A huge part of that was trying to meet societal expectations, keep my parents - especially my dad - happy, and avoid damaging my career prospects or social life, especially since a lot of my friends are quite conservative.
The reality, though, is that I’ve wanted to be a woman for years and I’m really only attracted to men.
For a long time I tolerated and ignored these feelings because I convinced myself it was the sensible thing to do for my future. I also think my dysphoria is relatively mild compared to some people’s - it’s mainly things like hating stubble/body hair and feeling deeply uncomfortable dating men while looking masculine. I also sometimes get jealous of women's bodies and saddened by not being able to publically wear makeup, dresses etc.
Things changed a bit at University. I moved away from home, dated men discreetly, and experimented with living in a more feminine way privately. Honestly, it felt amazing - but also terrifying.
What’s really made me reconsider everything is life after graduation. Despite internships and a decent degree, I haven’t managed to secure a graduate role and I’ve ended up back at the shop job I had at 17, living with my parents again. Most of the social network and friends I made at university have faded too. I have a few friends back home but they're always busy.
It’s been rough, and because my career has stalled anyway despite suppressing all of this, I’m starting to wonder whether I should stop prioritising everyone else’s expectations and actually try to be happy.
I’m still applying for graduate jobs away from home, and part of me thinks that if I do get one and settle into my own place, I might finally start transitioning.
But I’m terrified about what that would mean for my career (I want to work in corporate/business roles), my friendships (most of my current friends probably wouldn’t accept it), and my family. I genuinely think my dad would disown me, and I worry about confusing my autistic brother too.
I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. Has anyone else been through something similar?
P.S.
Sorry for the length of this post, its all just been weighing me down recently.