Maybe dating single parents just isn't for me...
Sorry about the length, thanks for reading it all if you do! Just need to get all this out.
I (31f) and my partner (30f) have been dating for about 5 months now, this isn't my first relationship with a single parent, and I'm also a single parent and have been for 7 years. So I know what comes with the territory. But I have a baby daddy who is very minimally involved so I do get small breaks here and there. Unfortunately almost every single person I've dated doesn't have those supports and has their child, quite literally, 24/7. I've had a good relationship with the children of past relationships (2 previously) and had almost no issues related to the children specifically.
So my partner currently lives with her mother because of her mother's health issues. It's a two bedroom apartment so her mother has one bedroom, and her and her son (5) share a bedroom. I knew all of this during the talking stage, so nothing was just thrown upon me.
I was also told by her that her son is very clingy because of his abandonment issues stemming from his father and from her having to work two jobs to support the household and the only people her son has are her and her mother. I understood, or so I thought.
This past weekend my child's dad decided to keep our child for the weekend, and my partner and I decided that I could spend the weekend with them. It's closer to my job and I've spent some time over there before and her mother is always welcome to me visiting. Her son was also excited that I'd be staying.
Before I agreed to stay overnight, I asked how sleeping arrangements would work because my partner and her son share a bed, and I'm not comfortable sharing a bed with a kid who isn't mine. I was promised that child would either sleep in the living room (he has a tent and a sleeping bag and likes to pretend he's camping in the living room sometimes) or sleep in the room with his grandma. I was lied to.
Within an hour after bedtime (so around 10pm), her son came into the room crying and begging to get in the bed with us. He didn't wanna be away from his mom. My partner went out into the living room and stayed with him until he eventually fell asleep. I felt bad because I didn't wanna essentially kick a kid out of his bed and keep him away from his mother. I felt guilty and said I'd just go back home, but I was convinced to stay. Around two or so hours later, I woke up and her son was in the bed in-between us, snoring away. Like it might've been ok if he was just next to her on the end of the bed, but I was uncomfortable. I was so tired I just dealt with it.
Next morning they were both up at 7 in the morning. Of course he was bouncing off the walls and full of energy and begging me to play games. I asked my partner if it's ok that they go play in the living room for a bit since I'd like a little more sleep because I had to be at work in a few hours. She acted offended and like I didn't wanna be around her son. I casually mentioned that I settled last night with one of my boundaries being broken, but I'm just tired because I had a kid all over me all night while I was trying to sleep. She got angry and said that's her life everyday and maybe I should just learn to deal with it because her and her child are a "package deal". I love my partner so much and I was really hoping we can work things out and settle down together eventually. Everything else has been a non issue. I asked her how she's gonna handle it when we eventually move into our own place and the kids have their own rooms and her son keeps coming into our bed. She just shrugged and said she'd deal with it. Also said her son really likes me and just wants to be around me.
It's hard dating single parents, and I just wonder if it's not meant to be. As a single parent myself I try so hard to be understanding and accommodating. The last single parents I dated have had their own sets off issues, but nothing like this. My partner also refuses to get her son any kind of help for his abandonment problems. I feel like this is only gonna get worse in the future but I really love my partner so much and I don't wanna just enter a whole other kids life and feel like I'm abandoning him too(my previous two relationships were very long term). Anyone else ever dealt with this?