I messed up
I a 21 year old black man have royaly messed up. now I come from a traditional, or normal styled African American Household. and with that im guessing we all know that it can be very challenging. I was suprised to see there was even black young adults that once they move out of their parents house they go no contact(especially from 2 parent homes). However I am greatful that my black family was and is there for me. however just caus eyou show up consistently dosent mean you are not rude doing it. now I have audhd and i know i did not make it easy for my family. I have an aunt, a mother, and unlce who have all 3 had a hand in raising me in some way. However things where often challenging. Both My aunt and my Uncle hands on me once. dont really care about cause thats just normal in a black household, and i wont lie and say that that was all on them, because i dont believe contrary to how my family views things, that lashing out verbally or physcially is not a one sided force. Just as much as I might believe my family made it no so easy for me i belive it to be equal of what i gave to them. However going over to just my uncle. yes my father was not there and he was, but in doing it he dosent realize he alos had ways of hurting me. however i am seen as ungrateful by my family if i complain about, yet i still do. My mother is a single mother and grew in a two parnet black excellence household so she has very typical standards of what is and what is not respect. anyway coming from an office that prescribes medice called avant. now this is where im getting to where i messed up. now they often prefer to have a parenet present to understand how I am to other people outside and. and with an overbearing family that can be very hard to go through. ANytime i try to speak with the doctor that over talk me And also to add i made some white friends( mostly women) however ive never said i wanted to date them, nor marry them some have asked me for that and even sex and i decline each time. cause one i prefer black women anyway, two i dont want to have sex. I like being by myself mostly however my family does believe thwey are running me. they are not, but even i was to grant them that im still not having sex with them. Im a virgin im 21 i dont license yet but will get them and i just dont need to have sex but they believe that i am possibly doing things with them. fix the gramar and make this make sense now the Avant session Like I said, I got talked over. all the stuff and you went and my family thinks that I'm using these women for food that is not the case and I even asked. If I need to show burn the proof to the staff or anybody. I asked for my friends that we do now. I don't stay with them at all that long. Every once in a while, I might get with those friends that I have made at school. Mostly. I like to be by myself. However, there is one friend. I will not disclose her name. who even when she said she's bringing food for her friends and I I always tell her no do not want I am black man. I don't want to be seen as a charity case all these things. I tell her not to And yet she still will bring it anyway and Ashley. She said that she brings it for herself. Cool. However, I'm telling her my type of family and how black people are typically raised. They're going to think that I'm punking you out of food. They're going to think that I'm taking advantage of you or anything. and that's not the type of person I am but right now I cannot get them my family to see that. and so even in the middle of the office my uncle put words in my mouth. And even when I was about to say a word he said sex. Sex was not even in my mind. I wasn't using sex to get anything out of them. I wouldn't do anything like that. Like I said, I'm still a virgin. Plan to be till I'm married but you know things can happen. So I'm not going to be that type of guy. But I mostly stay to myself. I view women as a liability. I view marriage as a liability. The one thing that I don't like to be called is lazy. I feel like women can make you lazy in certain aspects. So anytime they did ask I fled. I said no, we're not doing that. No. My uncle is a good man yes however he can do some fucked up things and yes i can do some fucked up things too however i cant really complain cause he was there. so let me just get to where i messed up we where going back and forth in the garage( and also my memory is pretty spotty cause overwhelming situations make it hard to remember) and he said something about this is your fault to my mother for some manly shit i cant remeber, but i rmeber it was so infuriating that i said two words i can never get back. ( Fuck you). i regretted it as soon as i said it. it was the whitest thing ive ever done, and the most non manliest thing i ever done. we where about to get into to it but my mother stepped in and sheo put her hands on me. obviously let her put her hands on my throat cause im not ever gonna fight my momma that would be weird, and I deserved it. now she didnt do it when my uncle put his hands on me at 17 but i guess i understand that too. after he left i text him a sincere apology. the most sicnere apology I ever gave to a person. and i will be making ammends. but I say this i do feel like my family feels like they can do no wrong, and probaly think the same for me thats fine. And I can honeslty agree somewhat to that. but my only goal out of this situation i made worse is how i always think. where i do go from here the main forefront of my mind is how can I succeed. what can I do to make it to where i am content, steadflow of income, able to pay for my utilities, able to onne day have a staedy flow of transportation, if lose i lose job how can bounce back, etc. I think about those things on a daily basis. put this also part of the story and dont add titles just make it one big steadliy flowing story. Now as someone that is in college, I have been known and I will not deny that I used my money for a lot of frivolous things and used it frivolously. And because I used it for frivolously. My aunt my uncle decide to cut off money now. I didn't think. I was not complaining much about that as the fact that I was thinking. Okay. Now that I don't have any money anymore are very little amounts of money. What can I do now? Well one my uncle says I don't build much a connections and I don't keep friends. So I learned to see how I can build connections. I watch me YouTube videos. I read about on articles and studies on how to build Communications. in connections I also realize how to preserve and conserve my food and all of that and I put my test theory of. Even when I don't have necessarily food or I don't have necessary food that I think is good for me at the moment. Can I hold myself off? Can I do this? Can I do that? Yes, I'll admit a little bit was about you know, they don't want to give me money fine, but mainly was I was trying to test my limits on. If there's a time where electricity or power goes off or I don't have enough food due to. maybe work is not givin enough money how can i survive. Now my uncle in the office was saying how s he wants the easy thing when he has a phone and school being paid for, and that im being ungreatful. that was not my intention. what was was seeing now i know that i am not doing well with money so lets say i run out, how can i survive. so is started going to the school pantry, and using some food from my aunts pantry and making it stretch. however recently i was getting yellled at becaue they where saying thats not a good plan. fine maybe its not. I also got called white again by my aunt cause she says people that pretend to be poor when they have money is white. ok fine. Ive been called white washed so many times ive started doing things white lol. but I just dont seem to care even abou that anymore. if people think im so disrespectful i always tell them youre right, or when they say i act white i agree i do alot of things white, and that can put me at a disadvantage. i only care about being able to be self suffeicent and survive. so i am starting to block out everything, and start admiting my wrongs not just as a man but as a person. so the reason i am here is for one i need to hear how much i messed up, two i need to hear what more steps can i take to suceed. all the time i come home i do best to look at aprentiships and constantly see what i can do to figure out my life. but what dosent help is the fact that i am a terrible student i fail alot. and mg gpa is lower than 2.0. im not afraid to admit that, because here for help so having a very low gpa also ruins my credibilty with my family and other people. and knowing most black people that flunk out of college is mainly done by working to pay for it, and i dont have a job while im in school ruins my credibility. But I try so hard. when someone tell me i dont try or that im lazy( that is my type of fuck you). Now Instead of wanting to fight i kicks me in gear puts fire in me. it motivates me. and I hate to say when tension is high, and chaos is all around it motivates me. My aunt called me laszy ass after i got on the phone with her about the situation. How I can give an example of this is my Love for the show the walking dead and the spin offs. anyway that all i wanted to say thankyou. also i cut off a lot of my friends i made at he collegee cause i felt it was stirring up too much trouble in the family even though they said to get out of your rome and make friends. i just need to make it