Currently stalking my ex and I found this. I deleted my main account after breaking up with him, so that both of us could have an easier time to heal, and we have absolutely no interactions ever since then. The text is from a Discord Server. We weren't together back then from that time, and I'm in my second account right now. My stubborn mind thinks that it'd be funny because he did end up having an ex a year later. Thoughts?
It all began after I broke up with my ex, I obviously tried my best to heal and seek distractions as possible since I needed to focus in my studies too. There's this guy who just transferred in our school right before I broke up with my ex. Of course, I didn't care about the guy at all since I was mostly focused on an issue with my past relationship back then. After some days of trying to move on, the guy who just transferreed added me in my socials, and coincidentally, a notification popped up, and it's video about himself right after adding me, and I was the first viewer! (It said 1second ago in the post). My circle of friends (With both guys and gals) are mostly chill and friendly, and was mostly inviting him to be friends with, so I sent the screenshot of me accepting his friend request and being the first viewer to my group chat. And that was the day that my friends started shipping us. Of cwourse I was absolutely not interested in pursuing him that much back then, since I needed to prioritize my healing era first. But hey, my sixk mind thought "This isn’t bad at all, let me distract myself a bit". So I kind of accepted the ship and went along with it. I began saving his pictures and making playful jokes at the group chat while sending his pictures just for the fun (but not mocking him!). Of course, since he was getting closer with some of my friend (especially the guys), they joked about him that I was being playful in the group chat while sending his pictures. At this time, I don't have that much feelings him, only playful, since I was still healing, but I never persuaded him or interacted with him that much. A month passed, and as I looked at his pictures in my gallery, I can't help but blush a little. That's when I decided to draw him (Yes, I'm an artist), and I playfully posted the drawing in my story with just a little hint of who i drew that time. I was feeling more and more as time passed, but have never interacted with him consistently nor persuading or giving him a chance to even do so. (There are definitely way more times that he's trying to reach out to me and be closer subtly, but I mostly don't give him an entrance to continue further SINCE Y'KNOW I AM STILL HEALING). But then, more weeks passed and then one random night, I decided to write and dedicate Sonnet Poems just for him (Yes, I'm also a writer), which I ended up posting in my second account. But I was slowly getting the idea from him that some of the things I dedicated for him was just my way to reminisce my ex somehow? Since he was taking actions but not quite getting there yet. (My Circle of Friends is such a gossip, plus I did vent in the group chat maybe more than once from my past relationship). I then decided to move on from him, since I may actually fall a bit too hard yet this is not an ideal progression for me. So, when i confessed my feelings, I wanted him to reject me. It felt like he was trying to be 'nicer' and not directly rejecting me, but i still insisted it, to not let my delusional mind continue. He did say that he was starting to like another girl anyway after the rejection, but that somehow disappointed me yet eased me at the same time? Then I really started to lose feelings when he was led into a toxic situationship (Not the girl he said he has a crush on) with one of my friends where she felt REALLY anxious from it. Good thing I avoided being in the issue though, but from the way she's telling the situation, it seemed like he was really trying to be nice, and can't really reject her directly. Long story short, the situationship fell apart and they're both in peace, he's got another crush, and I was literally no longer feeling much from him. NOT UNTIL a few months later after the school ended. It all just SPLASHED BACK to me. Either because I still have a portrait drawing of him which I was supposed to give him a few months back, or my will to love helplessly is drowning me, and he's the only person of which I think I could easily have a chance on. I'm not proud of it all, but hey, here I am, thinking of him every night even though we don't even chat at all. He's still my schoolmate (or classmate?) next school year, and still in the same friend group as me. The thing is.. should i start moving now to have more interactions with him? Because all I did back then was secretly pour my love and collect what's available without directly pushing or pursuading further. Or should I not? Since I think it'll be awkward.. I don't really know.. any advice??