Hi, this is kind of a long, late night confession type post and I’m not really sure what answers or advice to expect, I just don’t feel like I can talk about this with anyone in my real life without it becoming something bigger than it is.
I’m 23F and I have a girlfriend, Elise (23F). We’ve been together since the beginning of college and we share the same friend group. Apart from me not being out to my immediate family, things between us are genuinely good, which is part of why this feels so strange to even write out.
Back in January, at a party, I ended up talking one on one with our friend Caroline (23F) for most of the night. Caroline was my girlfriend Elise’s friend first as they met in high school and were roommates all through college. Caroline and I knew of each other but didn’t start getting super close until last summer. At some point during that night, Caroline told me about someone she used to have feelings for and how it didn’t really work out. How she had told her friend that she had a crush on her at some point and her friend reacted in a way that made it clear the thought of that made her uncomfortable. After explaining, Caroline asked me this hypothetical that I haven’t been able to get out of my head since. She asked how would I react if she told me she had feelings for me. It didn’t feel like a joke and caught me off guard. It felt like she was testing something without fully saying it. I told her I’d be flattered, and she kind of thought about it briefly and moved on, but we stayed talking alone for most of the night after that.
After that, we just… kept talking. We started texting pretty consistently, and it wasn’t outright flirting but it felt more intentional than how I normally text friends. At the next few parties and hangouts, always with Elise there, we kept finding our way into these smaller moments with each other. Nothing obvious, just conversations that linger a little too long, or standing a little too close without really acknowledging it.
Somewhere along the way we ended up with this inside joke that kind of turned into its own thing. It started as something dumb about “owing each other time” if one of us did something fun without the other, and then it became this running bit where we’d keep track of it and talk about “making it even” by doing something together. It sounds small but it became a reason to keep referencing each other and the idea of being alone together without ever actually making plans. And recently, when I joked about it with other people, her reaction felt off in a way I can’t fully explain, like it wasn’t supposed to be something shared.
In early February at another party, she told me her grandma had passed away. That conversation was different. She was a lot more open and vulnerable, and I just sat with her and tried to be there for her. After that, it felt like something shifted. It wasn’t just teasing anymore, there was something more grounded underneath it.
The first time we hung out in a smaller group outside of a party, we all went out and then back to her place. Elise was there the whole time. During that night, there were a few small moments that stuck with me more than they probably should have. I caught her looking at me in a way that felt soft when she thought I wasn’t paying attention. At one point someone almost bumped into me and she instinctively put her hand out in front of me like she was protecting me.
At the end of that night before heading back to Caroline’s apartment is one of the moments I keep replaying. Elise had said she would walk me to my car like she always does, and another friend of ours had already offered Caroline a ride although they mentioned that their passenger seat had a bunch of stuff on it. Caroline stepped in and told Elise that she could walk me instead, and that I could just drive her back to her place after. It wasn’t a big dramatic thing, but it changed the plan in a way that meant we were alone together. When we got to the car, she asked me twice about going out for drinks just the two of us. But later, when we were back around everyone else, it was like that moment didn’t exist.
There was also a night where our texting felt closer to flirting than anything before it, still playful but more direct and maybe a little suggestive? Anyway, she referenced it in front of the group, Elise included, in a way that only I would really understand, which felt like she was acknowledging it without actually saying anything.
More recently, at another hangout, there was a moment where I held onto her arm for a bit while we were talking. When I let go, she re-initiated it and kept that contact going without saying anything. The whole night was like that in small ways, our knees touching, comparing hand sizes for no real reason, just finding ways to stay in contact without making it obvious. At one point I rested my head on her knee in a group setting and she didn’t move away or react at all.
I think what confuses me the most is that every time something gets close to feeling more real, it gets pulled back. Over text, she’ll sometimes soften things or shift the tone back to normal, but she still keeps the conversation going, still reaches out, still asks questions and stays engaged.
So it just exists in this space where it feels like more than a normal friendship, but never actually becomes anything that can be clearly named. I don’t know if I’m overthinking this or if there really is something there that’s just being kept contained. I don’t know if I’m starting to feel something for her or if I’m just reacting to the tension of it. I’m not expecting a clear answer, I just needed to say this somewhere where it wouldn’t immediately become a real life situation.