Very confused and need another perspective
So this is a lot I’ll try to keep it as short as I can.
Me (M24) and my ex (F25) were together for around 4 years. Our relationship was LDR, me in the states and she in the UK. We were already friendly acquaintances due to the circles we orbited on social media, but then over the pandemic we started talking more and became much closer. As the months went on it was very clear we started developing feelings for each other, and down the line I decided to ask her out. We always joked that we were already talking like a couple before making it official, even about visiting each other once the lockdown ended.
We were extremely happy with one another. We were able to visit and be together once a year for about the span of a month or so. It just felt right being together, our chemistry was so natural, we fit together like two puzzle pieces, and we had both told each other that it was the first time either of us truly felt safe with another person.
It was obvious though that the distance hurt, especially on her end. However she always told me that closing it was what kept her afloat, and the same went for me. Down the line, her family mocked our relationship which really took a toll. She would retreat emotionally, sometimes for weeks on end, completely stonewalling any real communication.
She would eventually crack at times, and when that happened I told her that I need her to tell me when she isn’t doing well, that communication is key. She always agreed, and felt horrible and loathed herself because she perceived it as her hurting me repeatedly. It did hurt, sure, but at the same time what relationship doesn’t at times? I always tried to reassure her that it was okay and that I’d be here for her no matter what.
Cut to the last year, she’s been in extremely intense medical school program that she now has to retake after failing the first time. This was obviously a point of a lot of stress for her, but she told me she was okay. We were even planning for a visit later this year, in the summer. In fact, she was talking about getting her tickets… Just a few days before she suddenly broke up with me.
I was very confused, borderline in shock. I didn’t understand and I was letting my anxiety control what came out of my mouth. I could barely compose myself or ask the right questions. I felt like I didn’t fight enough for it but at the same time I didn’t want her to resent or be repulsed by me. She said it was never my fault, that the distance was just too much, even though we were already this deep in. I tried telling her it wasn’t fair because if she just had told me that, I would’ve really refocused all my efforts on closing the gap. We even talked about it before, albeit not enough, mostly because she’d always shutdown whenever it came up, even if she brought it up. She said she’d feel too guilty making me move, even though I told her I was fine with it.
She said she feels broken and sick on the inside. She suffers from intense OCD, and apparently part of her visiting would’ve required talking to her father about it… who doesn’t like our relationship, and has even told her he’s disappointed in her.
Now it’s been a little over 2 months since the breakup. About a month of no contact. Our last conversation didn’t go the best mostly because I was just spinning out.
Since then, she’s now been avoiding posting where I do, but when she does she posts very personal sad art diaries that I think is about us and her. She even posted one with lyrics from a song that is literally about self-sabotaging relationships, ‘The Boy Who Blocked His Shot’ by Brand New.
I’m so confused. I don’t know what she’s feeling, what she wants or anything. I know I couldn’t know that, but still. What is she doing??
For context, she has also admitted to being aligned with fearful avoidant tendencies.