How do you start over when you ruined your own future? (19F)
I feel like I failed at life.
After high school, I chose advanced mathematics and science because I genuinely loved math. I was serious about my studies and had plans for engineering. But during that time, my grandfather passed away suddenly. He was one of the most important people in my life, the person I looked up to the most since childhood.
His death completely broke me, even though at first I didn’t react the way everyone else did. While my family cried around me, I felt frozen. I couldn’t process what had happened. I was the oldest grandchild, so I focused on taking care of everyone else instead of myself. For months, I lived in denial and genuinely felt like he was still around.
Then one day it finally hit me.
I broke down completely. I had panic attacks so severe that I became terrified of being alone. Even a few seconds alone in a room could send me spiraling. It’s better than before now, but it still hurts deeply and I still cry about it.
Around that time, an old friend came back into my life. We started talking again, and he became the only person who consistently listened to me while I was grieving. Eventually we both developed feelings for each other and started dating.
At first things were good, but over time the relationship became extremely unhealthy. His insecurity slowly turned into controlling behavior, obsession, constant suspicion, emotional manipulation, and guilt-tripping. I became emotionally dependent on him and stayed even when I knew things were wrong.
For over two years now, I’ve dealt with being blamed for things I didn’t do, constantly having to defend myself, and feeling like no explanation is ever enough. Whenever I tried to leave, he would suddenly change, beg me to stay, promise improvement, and I would give in.
Now my entire life feels restricted. I lost most of my friendships and connections. I can barely go anywhere without being questioned or doubted. Even simple things became stressful.
The worst part is that now I’m scared to leave because he repeatedly tells me I’m the only reason he’s alive and that he’ll hurt himself if I ever leave. I’ve tried encouraging him to get professional help, but nothing changes.
At the same time, my studies completely collapsed because of everything happening in my personal life. I performed badly academically, failed important entrance exams, and couldn’t get into the college or career path I once dreamed of.
Now I feel completely lost.
I don’t know what to do with my future anymore. My family depends on me financially in the future, and they’re worried about me. I feel like I disappointed everyone, especially myself.
I used to be confident, hardworking, and ambitious. I used to be someone who never gave up. Now I barely recognize myself. Most days I feel exhausted mentally and emotionally. Sometimes I feel so hopeless that even thoughts of death feel comforting.
I know this post is heavy, but I needed to say it somewhere because I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. I need help.