LDR situation turned into push-pull chaos. Should I end it or try again?
Hi everyone, I need outside perspective because I feel like I’m stuck in an emotional loop.
I (M, early 20s) met a girl (F, early 20s) on Feb 14 (Valentine’s Day). We both had no plans and didn’t want to spend the day alone. It started casual, no intention to date, but we ended up going on around 5 dates and got emotionally close.
She’s genuinely one of the sweetest girls I’ve ever met. She’s emotionally mature in many ways, a poet/shayari type, used to send long voice notes, long texts, letters, etc. She gave me my first kiss. At that time, she was clearly more invested than me. She gave me gifts before she left and we had a sweet connection.
Then she shifted cities for work (Ahmedabad). Before leaving, she suggested long distance / relationship, but I refused because I didn’t want an LDR and I wasn’t that emotionally invested back then.
After moving, initially she still texted/called a lot and said she missed me. But over time, her effort reduced . She has a very exhausting job and also mental health issues. She has past relationship trauma, cheating history, and sexual assault trauma.
Now the roles have reversed: I’m more invested, and she’s less consistent. I started overthinking her replies, tone, and delays. I have anxious attachment tendencies and I hate uncertainty.
Recently I got triggered and told her I think I should stop talking because she seems like she doesn’t want to talk. She agreed initially, but then I called her and she was crying. She said she was pulling away because she was falling in love and was scared of getting hurt again. She said she hates being in “no man’s land” because in her past relationships guys started and ended things whenever they wanted. She said she wants a relationship with me if I want it. I was eventually falling for her but this happened again.
But after that, things became unstable again. One day she apologizes and says she wants to meet me, the next day she says she sees me as a friend or she doesn’t have the bandwidth. The last time we talked, She also called herself a “whore” once, which really hurt me (she later said people used to call her that because she has tattoos and dyed hair, and she internalized it). She told me that she made out causally with 4-5 guys after her 2nd breakup. That thing really hurt me coz i never had a relationship.During an emotional argument I stupidly called her “bipolar” (I know I shouldn’t have said that), and she later repeated it like “you’re right, I’m bipolar, I don’t know what I want.”
We keep having this cycle:
she goes cold / disappears
I get anxious and angry
I pull away or confront
she cries/apologizes/explains
we talk again
repeat
Now we agreed “let’s try one more time”, but she also says she’s not sure what she wants. I’m also currently in an unstable phase career-wise (no job, applied for masters abroad, waiting on results), so my anxiety is even worse.
I care about her a lot, but this uncertainty is eating me alive and I don’t know if this relationship is worth pursuing.
My questions:
Does this sound like she’s losing interest or just scared/overwhelmed?
Is this push-pull cycle salvageable in long distance?
Should I end it for my mental peace, or try again with boundaries?
If I continue, what boundaries should I set to stop this cycle?
Any honest advice is appreciated.