Smut triggers...could EMDR help?
Try to keep this concise. 40yo male, married, 3 kids. Life is generally pretty good.
More than a decade ago, in 2011, wife had an affair. We went to couples therapy for a short bit, honestly didn't do much for me, but time healed (so I thought). Love her dearly and couldn't imagine life without her. Since then, we've built a life together, added children, etc.
Fast forward to present time, I've become aware of her frequent and high volume reading of erotic smut novels and fanfics. It stirs a tremendous amount of emotion inside of me...jealousy, inadequacy, betrayal, sadness, loneliness, etc.
Feeling like I am in the minority of men who give a sh*t about what their wives read and most probably see the value in it and look forward to reaping the benefits. Thing is, I don't want to change her, don't want to have an issue with something that brings her joy, etc.
After much research and contemplation, and a few failed sessions with therapists that just weren't a great fit...I'm wondering if the book (albeit a nonreciprocating object rooted in fiction) is triggering nerve memories of the pain felt from the betrayal more than 15 years ago. The emotions are identical. In my rational mind, I recognize that the book is just that...a book...but just can't shake the emotions that stir inside of me.
Anyone here think that EMDR may be a viable solution to manage the emotions, assuming that there is some correlation between the consumption of smut and nervous memories being activated (not even sure that makes clinical sense, but doing my best to make it so).
As a note - I've attempted the "talk with your wife" path...communication around the topic tends to be contentious. For now, I avoid it until I can improve my self since those discussion attempts usually come from an emotionally charged place and puts her on the defense. I'll pursue that path again once I've done the work on myself.
Thanks in advance