AITAH I wont forgive my father after he disowned me
Im 18 now but I was twelve when the situation happened, I have a very large family with 2 full biological siblings 2 half siblings that share the same father with me and 7 step siblings. My two half siblings and three of my stepsiblings live with my father while i had always lived with my mom and visited every other weekend.
I was always the scapegoat growing up especially to my father and stepmother and my stepmothers family i was blamed for everything and they never liked me because i was not my stepmothers child they treated my full biological siblings poorly as well but i got the worst of it because i was extremely hyper and didnt understand social cues as well as being extremely picky (i was undiagnosed neurodivergent)
When i was eleven my stepsister ill call P started pressuring me to move in to my fathers house, for some context P had always been the cool older sister but she largely ignored me and acted like i was a bother leaving me to hang out with 2 of my brothers who were very violent towards me growing up, so i was excited that P was paying attention and i agreed to move in. I wasnt allowed to stay in my room because i needed to "socialize" which usually was just babysitting my half siblings and doing chores. I will admit i told my father I was fine helping around the house but I could barely sit down without being told to do something not to mention none of my siblings had ever done chores, my siblings could also lounge in their rooms while when i got home after a long day of being bullied i was treated like i was a complete recluse who never saw the sun for being in my room for thirty minutes (which didnt have a door since before i moved in it had been my sisters walk in closet) I wasnt allowed to play anything out loud but music was my escape so i always had headphones on which made my father and stepmother extremely angry and they constantly fought me about it, my younger brothers were breaking my things on purpose and were attacking me physically multiple times a day, and they were constantly saying awful things about my mom.
Eventually after two months i couldnt take it anymore and told my father i wanted to go back to how our living situation used to be instead him and my stepmother yelled at me for hours told me not to say goodbye to my siblings and said as soon as my things were packed i was out of there. Needless to say this event scarred my little 12 year old mind and triggered a psychotic break where my anxiety was so bad i couldnt function i couldnt even talk i was not a danger to anyone i was just devastated and my mind couldnt handle it while i had to be admitted to a mental hospital while i was there my father showed up gave me a half assed apology and left basically saying he was sorry i was in there but not sorry for what he did.
A couple months later i was diagnosed with ptsd. I was having panic attacks every single day was was extremely depressed and about six months after the original incident he pressured me to do a therapy session with him my therapist at the time was not good she dint believe a word id say and basically always tried to gaslight me out of my own trauma so together they triggered me really bad and it got to the point i had to be admitted to the hospital again because i was a danger to myself. Not once was i ever a danger to others.
Since about two or three years after the incidents me and my father have been trying to slowly rebuild our relationship im doing it because i miss my siblings not so much him. He is acting like i am a dangerous individual who my siblings would not be safe being around because at twelve years old after being heavily manipulated i said i hate my mom a couple weeks before asking to move back in with her nd because i had to be hospitalized (largely because of him) he also wants me to just forget everything he and my stepmother and my stepmothers family and my siblings ever did to me without holding anything against him which i refuse to do and hes acting like im attacking him by saying my side of the story.
am i the asshole for wanting to hold my father accountable