I don’t even know how to start this off, I apologize as this is my first post. I’ve never really been one to ask for advice. I’ve always been so disciplined and willing to put in effort to get what I want even in light of my shitty lower class living situation and always scrapped and fought to get what I wanted with grit, and the spark is just gone now. I can’t make myself get out of bed anymore, I struggle to find the motivation to even get up and eat, whereas for me it’s always been something I enjoy years in the past. I’ve lost thirty pounds, for reference, i’m 6’2 128 pounds, and it makes me feel fucking disgusting. with this, i’m also deemed physically incapable for the sports that once brought me so much joy. I feel like the only way I get any sort of motivation back is through self harm for some reason, it’s the only way I can remind myself i’m a human I guess. i can’t even make myself do subpar task that I used to enjoy, or hold conversations with people, and as you’d assume, academically i’m not very inclined either, I went from a 4.1 GPA in AP classes, to the bottom of the barrel.. I have never felt like this in the entirety of my whole life, I can’t even cry anymore, I just feel blank, to which I told myself month after month since around New Years, “this is just a phase, it will fade”, and i’m just so lost on how I get the will to “live again” back. I really just wanna feel happy, or just get out of my mind. I’ve tried everything from getting out of my comfort zone to as far as my body would let me, or journaling or other healthy ways of coping, which have done nothing. I also feel as if I should include i’ve always had a terrible relationship with my mother, which I won’t speak of because I don’t know to the bounds of what i’m allowed to say on here, but to abhorrent extents, and i’ve been cemented into this living situation as my father is going through a rough patch financially and doesn’t have the money to sustain a child for more than a weekend.
If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated, thanks for reading