Advice on reaching out after break up?
For anyone who has broken up with a partner, because of poor mental health, so anxiety, depression, burnout, and not being able to communicate properly, do you wish they had come back into your lives?
My partner [35M] and I [35F] broke up about 2 weeks ago, we were happy, though his communication required a lot of effort- he was often burned out and would isolate himself, and would assure me that this was nothing to do with him, and more to do with me. We had been together 9 months.
I realised that he was quite a passive person, outside of our relationship- for example, he had a free gym in his building, wanted to use it, but said he didnt know how to use the machines, and just didnt bother - and he had been meaning to sell his car for several months, hadnt driven it in ages, and then just never got round to it. So when he started showing those signs with me, I put more effort in, because I wanted things to work out.
Before we broke up, we had a great date, and then barely spoke in the week following that - he said he was busy with a job application. I thought it was a dick move not to have communicated that he was busy, as I would have given him the space he needed. But it sent me on an anxious spiral. I had been quite worried about his mental health in the weeks before that, and was trying to bring up the idea of him speaking to a doctor, as I did not think the rate he was burning out was normal.
I told him off - saying that it made me feel like an object that he picked up and put down when he felt like, he admitted he was wrong, and then ended things because his anxiety was overwhelming him, and he needed to seek help, and didnt think he should be in a relationship while doing so. He said he couldnt give me what I needed, and that when I was overwhelmed, I was the first thing for him to drop and pick up when he felt better - I didnt realise at the time he was doing this, and was hurt by this admission. I was cold and standoffish when he ended things, and reminded him that I didnt force him to ask me to be his girlfriend - he agreed, said he thought he would just go for it and get better at being a BF.
When things ended, I had my own anxiety attack, because of how cold I was, I worried that I was unkind, and my reaction would make him feel worse mentally. I'm not sure why I am so worried about hurting someone that was breaking my heart. I liked him and started to love him, I thought we were happy, he said he was.
I immediately wanted to reach out by sending a letter or an email or something equally silly to let him know he genuinely made me happy, I wish he had fought for me, I hope he gets the help he needs and gets better, and I hope he is kinder to himself. I never thought he was mine to fix, especially not his mental health, but he was mine to care for, and I wish he had let me do that, in whatever way. The fact that we were in a relationship means I would have been with him despite him struggling. After 9 months, ending things for this reason, without ever communicating what he needed, felt like a cop out.
I didn't say those things when we had the break-up conversation, and I panicked that we would never speak again without him knowing those things. I don't really know what I would expect in terms of a response, nothing, I guess.
As you can imagine, I am someone who will burn myself out to care for others. I reckon that if he liked me more, he would have tried harder. I reckon it's slightly selfish of me to think like that, as it's how I would have reacted. I suppose I might be at a different point in my life than he is, where I am more willing to commit even when things get hard.
I wanted to know if anyone else has been the burned-out partner, or in his shoes, would me reaching out have any effect? Or is it best to just give him space and let things be? Maybe reaching out to him would only be opening myself up to more hurt?