We have been together for about a year and a half now and in the beginning, our sex life used to be great. Now because of he claims work stress, we don’t have sex anymore. I have had this conversation with him over and over again to say that in the nicest way possible I’m not getting my needs met and that I really miss intimacy between us in that way.
He’s religious and so for him ideally he’d like to wait until after marriage although he has had sex before and we did agree at the start of our relationship that not having sex was kind of a nonnegotiable turn off for me. He told me that he enjoys having sex when we do it and he’s happy to continue doing it because he plans on marrying me one day anyway.
We went away last year about eight months into our relationship and I found out that he was actually smoking weed on a regular basis behind my back even though I hate it and I’ve told him that I don’t like it. I found out by snooping on his phone. I know I shouldn’t have but I had a gut feeling I couldn’t shake. He says he has to stop this He also had a masturbation problem and said he has quit this too, but who even knows.
We’ve tried to work through the whole lying over smoking and hiding porn use as I thought that might have had an impact on our sex life, which is why I’m bringing it up. But if he stopped, why is it not back?
He said he’s overwhelmed and stress with work at the moment. I don’t know what to do with myself while I try and deal with this because I can feel myself building up resentment every now and then. And then we’ll have sex and I’ll feel a little bit better but only for a short time. We used to have sex multiple times a day almost every day definitely multiple times a week and now we barely have it once a month.
I used to initiate and then I got turned down a few times because he’s “tired” but now I feel like I can’t initiate any more because my ego has been squashed and I had a similar trauma from a previous relationship whether the lack of sex ruined me.
He is a very cuddly guy and very affectionate with words so I don’t know if it’s all in my head and if it’s tiredness and stress when will this end? I don’t know what he can do to overcome the tiredness and stress and he said things will get better, but I don’t see how because I don’t see any changes. This is the thing that keeps getting better and then going downhill again and getting better and going downhill and it’s been like this for over a year now.
I have literally cried so many tears over this and I’m trying to surround myself in hobbies and do more alone time things when he’s busy or not in the mood, but sometimes I feel myself overthinking and spiralling. And I can’t help but feel lonely.
What would you do in the situation and how can I cope?
I know I’ve said he’s religious and he is he does go to church, but I think he keeps falling in and out of his religion.