u/Individual_Annual229

He’s the only person I have ever been with, he’s been fully transitioned for almost 7 years, and I just started my transition 6 months ago. We met in high school and have been together for about 5 ish years. I feel disgusting about it and I would never leave him for something so trivial but I cant shake the idea of what a real penis feels like. My bf tops and when we have sex it doesn’t even feel like he ever really enjoys it. I feel like he’s more into masc people and he’s super unenthusiastic. I’ve tried talking to him about stuff we could do to make it more exciting for him but he usually dodges the question or gets dismissive and says he likes it. I’ve tried opening the relationship a couple of times only to be met with sadness. I feel so ashamed for wanting something that makes him feel like less of a man for not having. I’m just beginning to think that maybe I haven’t explored the full depth of my sexuality. I feel like dating in high school has locked me out of experiencing other people. We love each other so much, we even went into the same field for college so we could be in every class together. We’re moving in together end of next year and hope to marry him someday, He’s such an incredibly hard worker I could never see myself with someone else romantically, it makes me sick. I just wish I could magically experience more people sexually for like a week just to see what its like and then be done. But that’ll never be an option. Should I continue to push for an open relationship? I’ve tried to explain that its just for sex and I exclusively love him romantically and that can never change. I’m just so curious as to how a real penis feels, it eats at me everyday and I don’t know what to do, I feel so disgusting inside for wanting this :(