Serious resistance to facing the music, sitting in the present
So I’ve been walking through a bunch of moving parts in my life specifically with constant ups and downs doing leveraged trading of stock option trading most of my weekdays and then throughout the week just showing up Bible studies and church a day or two per week each. I’ve committed to these things among keeping up to date on my younger siblings’ lives (have a relationship where I have to be there for my youngest brother & sister in ways/capacities my emotionally unavailable/neglectful parents just do not).
Anyway I’ve been just kind of getting by and also been able to clean myself up and be grounded for spurts/windows of time like for a half a day maybe most of the week, but I literally feel powerless and just paralyzed by the sea of deep emotions that as of lately have been getting harder and harder to sit w and also journal about. Writing is something that’s grounded me and helped me process immensely but it’s been something I’ve had to drag myself to do or really work up to in the past few months. It’s like pressure keeps building and I can only handle so much before I immerse my senses and nervous system in anything from music, to nicotine, thc, and alcohol (substances of which I’ve been cycling thru to kind of limit/spread the damage of each) and also work - often times tho it’s content and stuff to numb but also quiet my mind enough for it to hobble forward day by day. Also just do doordash and Uber eats which helps some to ease immense pressures, shame, powerlessness, inadequacy, and uncertainties etc but basically the emotional/mental resilience has been getting hammered over the past several months and I feel powerless and like I’m compulsively repelled by sitting w all this. I saw a preview of that man of impatience and the thumbnail at least resonated a lot w me and I’ve even journaled about this sense of huge crippling pressure that gets worse as time goes by as a prisoner of my own self. Hope someone is able to relate or see through this and the underlying stuff I have a deep fear of facing it ik maybe bc of how futile it feels and also plain scary, yes I am speaking with cowardice here I am just stuck bad! Love you guys so much