I hate this game
I had relapsed yesterday before going to school I went to a nearby store and cut myself in the bathroom. Nothing bad happened, i wasn't even remotely sad actually. It's just like there was this voice telling me how much I DESERVED it, it's been so long and I didn't do it for so long (at least I think I don't really keep count of how long I'm clean for #outofsightoutofmind) and just all these reasons as to why I should cut and why it was okay for me to. I cut again like half an hour ago, and I can tell if I regret it or am happy. I thought If I started to cut all the time like I used to I could be back in that oh so comforting depression that I can't seem to get rid of, but I don't I do not feel better and I don't know why. This has worked in the past so I'm not sure why it won't now. I keep thinking this is a sign to cut deeper or just make more cuts in general. I probably sound like a fucking looney but yea I just really need to get this out because I'm tired and I just don't wanna be like this anymore I want to be better for those around me for myself but the moment I find myself about to get the surface it's like this heavy weight pulls me down drowning for the millionth time again. Everyone tells me it will get and once I'm older I'll grow out of it but it's been almost 10 exhausting years of this and I simply can't continue to do this I don't know how much more I can take I'm so mentally exhausted I come home and I just lay on my floor sobbing untill I fall asleep, the littlest things hurt my feeling and I read to much into the people around me which causes me to spiral. I don't wanna push everyone away but it's hard I just need to deal with this by myself like I always have because I'm the one who knows me best (I barely know anything. Who am I?). I wish I could talk to the people in my life about it but most of them have certain opinions and ways of thinking that just overall wouldn't result in the kinda conversation I need while in this headspace. There is one friend who I consider opening up to but she has her own things to deal with and even if she tells me to reach out I don't know if I should place that burden on her since Ik me and my baggage are quite the load to handle. Anyways I just needed to get that out so end of story they all lived happily ever after blah blah blah also the game is life btw in case we ain't putting it together 😓