Okay, so I signed up for this run several months ago and trained for it all winter. I trained for the 5km, but ended up going 12km. Not going to post my time because it was abysmal. It was much more hilly and harder than I thought it would be. The beginning was fun where I was running with everyone, but then they all left after 5km so I was alone. The person who'd driven me there was waiting in the parking lot to go back home when I was done. I got to see all the thin people all happy and drinking with their supportive friends and family while me, who's gaining all of her weight back because life is mean for no reason, had no one at the finish line.
I'm exhausted. The run was yesterday. I thought I'd be happier, but the fat is still piling on. I don't understand why. Family is silent. My mom who I thought would support me only gave me one-word replies. There was no happiness or sense of accomplishment. I was all alone and I hate it so much. Do I just give up? Why the hell should I work myself so hard training like this and at the gym just for the goddamned fat to come back and ruin everything? I'm going back to being ignored by everyone and no one cares.
What do I do? I can't just do these things for 'myself' because it's not enough and I'll never be able to have it be enough. I just can't find that strength when I'm alone and invisible.