I genuinely feel so disgusting
I (17M) have been feeling so many emotions at once, and, of course, have not been able to ever really express those emotions without having a constant reminder of my masculinity being at stake. But, we’re here to talk about only one of those emotions. I cannot even look at myself in the mirror. I cry myself to sleep, like, one night a week. And the worst part is that I can’t even stand to hear my own voice (I’m trying to be a fucking voice actor). I just don’t get why everyone in my life is either talking to someone or has someone. I’m straight, and people constantly think that I’m gay, and I have no idea how to change that. I don’t get invited anywhere, nobody ever, like, takes the time to ask me how I’m even doing, and I’m even jealous of my own younger brother for having a girlfriend, when I can’t even snap my crush without her ignoring it. So, I guess disgusting has more than one meaning here. I feel repulsive on the outside because of how genuinely terrible I think I look (and no one really proves me wrong), and I feel like a terrible person because who gets jealous over something that stupid? Why am I like this? Why does it seem like God is punishing me? Why was I put here to absorb everyone’s bad energy and be a punching bag? Why does everyone ignore me? Even on Reddit, very few people ever comment on my posts, and I get almost nothing out of these but a good vent. That’s it. My life barely changes, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. My younger siblings talk to friends all day every day, while I sit and cry in my room. They have extravagant things going on, and I can barely get people to text me back, or even remember my fucking birthday. They remind me constantly, deliberately and accidentally, about my own personal shortcomings. I’ve had self harm scares, and I shiver to think about what could happen if my mind wanders into a darker place. People are shallow to me. They never let me forget about how unloved I am. They shove their happiness down my throat. Nobody has a filter around me. I can never get a word in, I’m never listened to. I don’t understand why I am even there. Nobody finds me attractive. I’m hardly a funny person. I get a few laughs here and there but no one cares. Thing is, I like to think of myself as a great person to be around. I take away peoples problems, I remember things and care about them. I’m great at caring, I take the time to do things for the people I love, but no one ever cares to do it back. No one invites me to things, no one shows up when I invite them to things, I’m afraid to die alone, and am SERIOUSLY desperate when it comes to dating, but even THAT doesn’t make it easy to come by any relationship. I don’t see why I crush so much, when every single one of them has rejected me worse than the last, someone literally screamed no in my face in public when I invited her to something. I’m not even fucking joking. I know that was a lot, but I just want to be heard. I really do. You don’t know how much it means to me to just be able to scream it all out without having someone tell me I’m crazy, overreacting, or plain stupid. And before anyone asks, I DO have a therapist, but I don’t see her nearly enough as I should. But that’s because my needs don’t really matter as much, and I have to just adjust and learn to accept that. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this. It means a lot. Somehow.