my mother regrets giving birth to me
i’m 16. after my dad left us when i was a baby she has been taking care of me ever since and only recently got married when i was 10 because she her job wasnt stable and her family had gently kicked us out, not even offering any support. so i think her regret or tiredness started when her parents stopped supporting us she had to get a better job, was chronically ill and had to pull all kinds of connections just to give us food and then when she married my stepfather he was problematic his 1st wife and 5 kids have us a shit time and are still making it hard for us to live so she slowly got irritated of my behaviour so i fixed my mistakes but along the path during her second marriage i was tired of it, i was tired of my life and that everyone around me had a better life than me even though now because of my step dad we had more priveleges but my moms emotional well-being became twice as worse than before. she started getting sick even more every other day, and even more irritable but i can’t blame because i was pretty annoying. she was so frustrated of me that even her brothers and sisters would counsel me and say that “i should be grateful to god for changing my life” but i wasnt happy because can you be happy with havjng money. my stepfather is basically emotionally abusive since the start he would blame on the smallest things and would say infront of everyone that i disrespect him and he still does it now. i fell into depression from that time, abandoned studying, left everyone of my hobbies and became increasingly tired of life ( i can’t say the s word apparently) . theres no purpose in life for me now. studying which i loved so much has no meaning now and waking up every mornifg seems useless. i thought i made genuine friends last year but even they turned out fake, i was so happy with them but now thinking about them makes me feel disgusted. i’ve noticed that ive become increasingly suicidal lately in the last two years but i can’t do it because of my mom because then all her sacrifices would be of no purpose. i’m worried if what i could’ve been but whenever something goes wrong or my mom says something, i immediately let go of the progress i’ve done and back to that hole of rottjng but ive recently made some progress i’ve been having less suicidal thoughts i want to pursue a career in biology as of now as it was my interest in the past. but whenever something goes wrong i keep on returning to that dark place and don’t have any real purpose.
i apologise for blabbing so much but if anyone has read this completely please give me advice on these two things
how do i find my purpose because who am i doing this for ( and i know the answer should be for myself but it just doesn’t…..).
and what can i do to please my mom, she is studying right now and plans to get a job again affter all these years even though her health is not that good.