The emptiness at home
I met up with my AP yesterday and had a very good time. Nice sex but the best eas that we cuddled and talked for about an hour after. It felt warm, safe and cosy.
When I came home I felt horrible. Not because of what we’d done, but the sudden realisation of how lonely I am in my marriage, how much I need to be hold and stroked on my back. How much I need someone to ask me questions, to be interested in me, someone who smiles when he sees me. My H never stayed in bed after the deed was done. He left and went for the bathroom. He wiggles out of hugs and shows little interest in me. He didn’t want sex at some point because he thought I’d trick him in to getting pregnant (I wanted one more child, he didn’t but I’d never betray him like that).
The contrast of being so happy after the meeting but also so sad was very heavy.
I am so sad and frustrated and mad at myself for how for how long I accepted to be taken for granted. But leaving is easier said then done. I don’t have parents, hardly any network, two wonderful kids that need me, more that just 50% of the time. I just don’t know how to progress in a divorce and how to say the words out loud even. Choosing things for myself is very difficult.
But I also need to be loved.