u/Inevitable-Ability-5

I was supposed to be moving out to a friend’s house whom of which I’ve known since I was about 17. I’m now 35. I had just two weeks left here in this Hell… or so I thought…

I stopped by yesterday to see the place and right there on the big screen tv in the living room, there was freakin porn paused! As if that wasn’t bad enough, his laptop was open to a folder with hundreds of women’s profile photos that he saved from social media. In the closet of the room I was going to rent, there was a box of porn magazines and some printed out photos of women.

When I asked about it, he said it was Facebook’s algorithm that’s to blame cause they “target” men. He then said that if women like me actually sent him sexy photos that he wouldn’t have to seek them out online and “collect them.” He then said that women shouldn’t be posting pics on social media if they don’t want men like him to save them and that it’s “his right.” I felt so disgusted and he came off as so predatory. It was the first time I ever saw someone jump to quickly from happy to completely angry and hostile.

To add to this, I also learned that this so called friend is literal a hoarder. I’ve never seen so much clutter in my life. The rooms were practically unusable and every inch was covered. The photos I was shown of the place were clearly very old.

It’s wild how long you can know someone and not actually know them or their motives. Some addicts are really freakin good at hiding, looking respectable and fooling everyone around them. It scares me.

So needless to say, we are no longer friends and I am stuck back with my addict husband. This potential roommate made my husband look like a saint in comparison and it’s scary. I never went from trusting someone to feeling so unsafe in my life. But I’m also glad he was stupid enough to show his true colors before I rented the room since who knows what could’ve happened!

I feel so hopeless right now cause I can’t afford to rent a place on my own with how expensive everything has become… But going to pick myself up and keep pushing forward. Today I start my summer semester (I’m one semester away from being able to apply for the nursing program and have a 4.0) and I also have an all day workshop to build on my nail tech license and make me more marketable.

A bump in the road right now is miserable but… I’ve gotten through so much and can get through this too. I’m glad the universe showed me signs before I could’ve wound up in a possibly dangerous situation.

Recently my husband’s PA/SA meeting has had a major uptick in women attending, and honestly, some of what I’ve overheard has made me deeply uncomfortable given his history with addiction and infidelity.

The other night, a woman shared her first step and much of it revolved around being a s*x worker and sleeping around for the thrill of it. Then yesterday, I overheard another woman giggling while saying she wished she had exchanged numbers with a guy she met there so she could hook up with him. She continued talking about how lonely she is and how much she craves men and their attention. Then she announced she put her number in the chat for outreach.

I absolutely understand that PA/SA women need a place to recover too. I guess I just can’t wrap my head around how my husband justifies co-ed groups as being beneficial when he has a history of affairs and seeking out other women.

This specific group doesn’t seem to have much long term sobriety or accountability either. Most people seem trapped in constant relapse cycles, and the overall attitude often feels more like “relapse happens, it is what it is” rather than encouraging real ownership, structure, and change. Many blame their betrayed partners moods. My husband has fully absorbed that mindset.

Despite insisting these meetings “help him,” he’s continued spiraling deeper into denial, secrecy, and unhealthy behavior. From my perspective, it almost feels like he’s found a space that validates staying stuck rather than genuinely confronting the addiction.

Whenever I try expressing why this specific meeting situation makes me incredibly uncomfortable, especially considering his history, I immediately get accused of “weaponizing his recovery” against him. Or I’ll be told I “don’t support” his recovery. But I honestly don’t think it’s unreasonable to question whether a recovery environment is healthy when there seems to be very little accountability, boundaries, or meaningful progress happening within it. He insists that none of the meetings that are “worth going to” are men only. As if that should make me feel any better? He claims I’m “overreacting” and that I’m just being insecure…

Am I wrong for feeling uneasy about this?

I’m really struggling right now. I’m newly diagnosed with SAI and have been taking Prednisone for a few months. At first, I felt like a whole new person. It seriously changed and saved my life.

3 weeks ago, I developed what seems to be a jaw infection overnight but all of my doctors are latching on to it just being the Prednisone despite testing positive for strep ( no sore throat though), having sudden nonstop daily headaches, increased tooth sensitivity, appetite loss, severe fatigue even when stress dosing, a massive tender roll under my chin that developed overnight (it looks like I gained 100lbs), labs that point towards infection (but they say it’s just the Prednisone), over 50 little bruise like marks on both my thighs (they blame it on hyperpigmentation even though it happened that same week), a confirmed eye infection and the back of my tongue swelling as if I’m having some kind of allergic reaction that just won’t stop.

So far, I’ve gone to 6 different doctors including the ER and urgent care in 3 weeks and everyone keeps claiming it’s the Prednisone and “chronic moon facies” but i feel like I’m being choked 24/7 and none of this happened subtly. My PCP told me to go back to the ER for a CT scan but the last time, they said it’s just the Prednisone and sent me home after running a CBC and testing me for STDs. Smh

I went from fine and functional one day to all of this overnight. My dosage didn’t change except for stress dosing after this all began. I’ve even shown them photos of a day before it happened to compare and it doesn’t help.

I’m just really lost and I’m hoping that someone else here might’ve experienced having another condition/illness being brushed off as steroid related since getting treated for an Adrenal Insufficiency.

TLDR at bottom. Yesterday, my PA/SA husband told me he wanted to be “honest” with me. His honesty was admitting he skipped therapy to go to the dispensary because therapy was “too expensive.” This was after he disappeared for hours and made it seem like he went to his appointment so I’m assuming it’s yet another half truth like all his others.

The other day, I finally finished my finals in college on the President’s list. My friends surprised me with flowers, balloons, dinner, and genuine support. Meanwhile, my own husband did nothing except sell his things to buy himself more weed and alcohol. Both of which lead to him relapsing more often than not.

He tried picking a fight after being clearly upset that my friends stepped up to the plate when he wouldn’t, so I pointed out the difference in how my friends treat and support me, VS my own husband. He said “Well at least I didn’t act out. You should be proud of me.” The bar is so low it’s in hell. Apparently I’m supposed to be grateful he managed not to betray me for a few hours (supposedly) and leaned into his other addictions that often lead to him acting out.

This is the same man who went to a convention full of pinup girls last month after I kicked him out for lying about relapsing multiple times, got blackout drunk with female coworkers, and kept a note from another woman in his wallet with “roadtrip ideas💕” written on it. He claimed he’s been “supportive” of me yet last I checked, he’s trying to hack away at my limbs as I try to crawl myself out of the wreckage he selfishly created.

I finally told him that as far as I’m concerned, we’re separated until I move out. I told him that I will only discuss logistics like things involving our cat, the apartment, or bills. Despite this, he hasn’t stopped texting me since asking what that means, if I need anything, how much he loves me, etc.

Now suddenly he wants to pretend to care and be “helpful,” and texting updates because he realizes I’m serious. Funny how they only put effort in when they’re about to lose you, not when you’re drowning right in front of them. I feel like he’s doing it so he can say “I did everything. I tried so hard and it wasn’t enough. She still blind sided me and left cause she was crazy.”

It’s been nearly nine years. I’m finally at the finish line, and I can taste freedom. It’s terrifying. I’ve never had a roommate other than him before and I’m scared of living with someone else after all he put me through. But what’s even scarier is imagining my future if I stay with someone who has always put everything and everyone above me. Between the mental and physical health issues, it’s not sustainable. So I’m leaving.

I already got my moving supplies, a storage unit and removed him from my emergency contacts at my doctors. I’m changing my number, changing my last name, and disappearing from his reach for good. He will never again have access to me or my peace.

TLDR:
PA/SA husband skipped therapy to buy weed and only told me after the fact when he was MIA for hours and pretended like he left for therapy. He did nothing for my President’s List achievement except buy himself more marijuana and alcohol, then expected praise for “not acting out” while I celebrated with friends. He got pissed that my friends were there for me and celebrated my achievements. I told him that as far as I’m concerned, we’re separated. He’s been trying to push for me to talk, keeps offering to help suddenly and is pretending like he’s willing to change suddenly. But it’s too little too late. After years of lies, relapses, porn, inappropriate behavior with other women, and emotional manipulation, I’m finally leaving. Packing my things, changing my number, and disappearing from his reach for good after nearly 9 years.

I hate him and his stupid phone so much. Last night I had a moment of weakness and got drunk and hid it cause I was pissed. He found it of course.

That thing has brought me so much misery while it’s in his hands. It’s like a match made in Hell.

I found out he went to a convention with pinup girls the day I kicked him out a few weeks ago to get some space after discovering through deleted messages and calls that he relapsed multiple times in a week. I was so angry cause I found out only after looking after he chipped even further away at my trust just again last Monday.

He can’t even last a week without hurting me. It feels like he does it on purpose. His entire “recovery” has been hurting me every other week with new discoveries despite claiming that he’s “sober.”

I know I should just continue to focus on my plan to move out but I’m just so pissed that I wasted almost 9 years with someone who would rather take pixels and other women over his wife. He robbed me of the best years of my life..

I’ve given him so many chances. I supported him in ways I never could even imagine being supported. I sacrificed so much for him. I lost so so much. I even gave up my dream of having a real wedding. My dream of being a mother. He stole so much from me and at the end of the day, he was a complete stranger who only let me see what he wanted me to see.

And I hate that a stupid phone has led to so much resentment, anger and grief. Cause he has no self control. I’ve been staying strong and focusing on my goals but I get moments where I’m just so angry and want to break down and sob for hours.

The lies by omission, the way he trashes me to everyone cause it’s easier than him telling the truth, his victim mindset, the way he blames me for the pain he caused, the trickle truths, weaponizing his recovery, and the blame shifting and minimizing. It’s just too much. I wish that treating someone so poorly was illegal cause maybe less people would do it!

I wish I could just throw his stupid phone out the window.

I kicked my PA/SA husband out for the weekend of April 18 after finding yet another relapse and more deleted evidence.

When he came back, I gave him a chance to share any solutions he might’ve come up with to save our marriage. He said he’s been “too busy with recovery” to think of any.

No mention of where he stayed or what he did. Just “busy with recovery.” I found that odd.

Today I found out the truth the usual way, by looking at his phone.

His “recovery” included a tattoo convention full of pin-up contests, models, and live female entertainment. Which is convenient, considering tattooed and pin-up women have always been one of his main acting-out triggers. His work wife had tattoos. His affair partner had tattoos. Heck, I have tattoos and that’s why he initially chased me til the novelty wore off.

Lately, he claims God is in control of his recovery. Apparently he picks his music for him, hides his keys when he’s too drunk to drive after hanging with strange women, tells him to lie to his wife and apparently puts him in a room full of his triggers. It’s awfully convenient to blame another source for his actions I guess.

He went with a friend who told him to “forget about his b*tchy wife,” drink as much as he wanted, and “have fun for once.” What a solid support system. lol It doesn’t help that my husband simply told him that “we’re creating problems for each others and I can’t deal with her moods.” Of course, there was no mention of his actions that created my “moods.” Again, how convenient!

He deleted the photos from the event. Including photos with and of models and the entertainment. I’m sure he thinks he deleted the texts too.

Part of me feels like I’m overreacting since it’s a tattoo convention but at the same time, knowing his history, and knowing he lied by omission about it, idk… it really bothers me cause he’s just been weaponizing his recovery and it’s like he’s trying to hurt me as often as he can to get the most out of it until I leave him.

This just tacks onto what happened this past Monday, when his “mandatory, paid work function” turned out to be an optional night of drinking. He got so drunk he couldn’t function, got fired, and even his own dad told him to get it together. I posted that story here too.

The lies don’t stop. They flow like champagne at a wedding reception.

This completely sealed the deal for me. There’s no more “maybe” or “what ifs.” I’m just done. I’m keeping the peace until the end of the month so I can leave cleanly. If I say anything about leaving now, he’ll either try to manipulate me into staying or disappear like last time and leave me with the rent, damages, and bills. As always, leaving me to pick up his mess.

I’m just looking forward to not having to play detective in my own relationship anymore.

TLDR: After yet another relapse, I kicked my PA/SA husband out. He came back claiming he was focused on recovery, but I later found out he went to a tattoo convention full of his triggers and hid it…. Like always. Just days later, he lied about a work event, got drunk, and got fired. Even his dad who previously enabled his addiction told him to “man up” and to get his sh*t together. I’m done and keeping the peace until I can leave.

TLdR at bottom

The other day my PA/SA husband told me he was going to work.

“Work” turned out to be a non-mandatory, unpaid work function at his part time seasonal job… aka “2 drinks” with his coworkers. He got so drunk from “2 drinks” that he couldn’t form a sentence, his coworkers ditched him and he got fired for making an ass of himself. He could’ve left at any point but chose not to. I knew he wasn’t going to. To be honest, this was kind of like his final test to see if he’d actually do the right thing.

Five hours later he calls me slurring that he’s a “powerless alcoholic,” asking me to find his keys… the same keys he drove an hour there with… while two girls are laughing in the background. But he’s “alone in his car.” Apparently quoting recovery group sayings/terms is enough to get a free pass in his eyes.

I told him to call his sponsor, or literally anyone else. Get a hotel. Sleep it off in the car. Call his dad. His self-inflicted chaos is NOT my responsibility anymore.

Apparently, he decided his night was going to become my problem anyway.

I had been looking forward to a quiet night alone. Candles, studying, actual peace and cozy vibes. I should’ve known it was WAY too good to be true for as long as he remains in my life.

He called and texted over 100 times. Somehow his calls broke through Do Not Disturb like they had a personal mission.

So I shut my phone off. A year ago I probably would’ve felt bad and sent him a Lyft or came to the rescue. Turns out, fixing his problems just enabled him to keep creating more of them.

At 2am I wake up to someone outside screaming like a lunatic and rocks and cans hitting my window. It was him! He Ubered back and had been outside for hours… screaming at the top of his lungs and throwing rocks sounding like SpongeBob having a full blown meltdown… I wish I was kidding. There’s no way our neighbors don’t think some kind of way about us now. It’s embarrassing.

Now he’s mad at me cause despite letting him in, he was pissed it took so long cause I was sleeping after being up since 5am cause I had to go to the ER earlier that day. I sleep with ear plugs and over the ear sound proof Bose Headphones to block out noise cause any noise shakes me awake and makes my brain shift to fight or flight cause he would act out while I was sleeping. Yet was more pissed about his sick wife resting than at himself for being a shitty husband. But what else is new?

The next day, he called out from his main job cause he was too hungover to work. He skipped his meeting again that night as well. He had to Uber an hour back to get his car… which got towed. But at least he’s “sorry”

Now it’s “I love you,” offering to help out… telling me to have a good day. Trying to inquire about how I’m doing as if I should just be a darling and open up to him again. He expects a full reset button like none of this happened.

Meanwhile, yesterday he received 5 missed called from “Ericaaaaa🤤” who I know for a fact wasn’t in his contacts even 3 weeks ago.

My semester ends next week (I’m hoping to finish strong with a 4.0 despite being sick). I just finished my first mentorship to build on my nail tech license as well. Aside from his blatant disregard for my feelings, the difference in willpower, energy and aspirations between us is honestly one of the many reasons I’ve fallen out of love with him. I want a partner who will grow with me and learn from their mistakes.

I have 30 days til I move out but I’m seriously considering moving my things to storage for the time being and taking a couple week solo trip to reset just to get away sooner.

At this point, I’m not even angry. Nor am I surprised. I’m just done. I’m done engaging. I’m done thinking he has an ounce of dignity or decency or willpower to do the right thing. As they say “Not my circus, not my clowns” and that’s what I’m sticking to until I leave.

TLDR:

My PA/SA husband said he was going to work. Turns out it was an unpaid, optional work function. He got wasted, skipped his virtual meeting, made an ass of himself, and got fired. Later he called drunk, claiming he was alone while trying to pull me into fixing things. I refused. He blew up my phone, then showed up at 2am screaming and throwing things at my window to try and wake me up. I later saw missed calls from “Ericaaaaa🤤,” despite him insisting he was “alone.” He still got mad at me for not responding fast enough while I was sick and exhausted. The next day he skipped work at his other job, his car got towed, and now he’s acting like nothing happened and expecting a reset. I’m done engaging and may try to push ahead my move-in date or take a solo vacation after college finals next week.