I (31F) have been with my boyfriend (30M) for 8 years. He’s from Delhi (North India), and I’m from the Northeast. He’s a very loving and reliable partner, he shows up for me in many ways. Even tonight, after a heated conversation and before an important meeting tomorrow, he called just to calm me down because he knows I get anxious before sleeping. So this isn’t a “he’s a bad guy” situation at all.
If anything, that’s what makes this harder.
Earlier in the relationship, all I wanted was to marry him. But now, at 31, something has shifted. I think I do want marriage eventually, I don’t want to be alone when I’m older, but the idea of settling down right now makes me anxious to the point where my heart literally races.
We had agreed 7–8 months ago to revisit the marriage conversation after two years. So recently, when I asked again, he said he can wait about one year. And that he wont be able to wait forever.
I’m not ready in one year.
My career isn’t where I want it to be yet. I always imagined getting married after becoming financially independent, because thats what helps keep a woman her autonomy in this patriarchal world. And even then, I wanted some time to live for myself, not in a reckless way, just to feel like I fully chose my life before settling down. I want to spoil my parents with my money. I know that by now I’m supposed to be more settled career-wise, but due to various reasons, there’s been a delay.
He says we dont have to worry about money because he’ll take care of us.
He says he can’t wait too long because he wants kids “on time,” and that pressure from his family will increase. What bothers me is how he frames it, he often talks about wanting to give grandchildren to his parents, as if that’s the main reason for having kids, and that he wants a wife who will take care of his parents. I don’t mean that I won’t form any relationship with his parents, I will be kind to them, but I don’t want to feel like a caretaker.
That makes me uncomfortable, even though he also says he respects my culture, wants us to stay connected to my roots, and that we’ll regularly visit my home and raise our children with both backgrounds.
Another issue is that I’ve already built my life around this relationship in many ways. My career decisions have been influenced by staying in Delhi, where he is. I can’t imagine life without him, and the thought of losing him feels unbearable.
At the same time, I feel this deep internal resistance to rushing into marriage.
So now I’m stuck, between loving him deeply and not being able to imagine life without him, and feeling scared that I’ll lose myself if I settle down before I’m ready. I also worry that at 31, starting over would be incredibly hard. And I wonder if there’s still a way to stay and work through this, and that if these fears are just preconceived notions and maybe it won’t be as bad as I imagine.
Is this something couples can realistically work through? Or is this one of those fundamental incompatibilities that love alone can’t fix?
I feel like I’m being pulled in two opposite directions, and I don’t know which one I’ll regret more.
TLDR: 8-year relationship, I love him deeply but I’m not ready for marriage in his 1-year timeline. I want career stability and time for myself, while he wants kids soon and has family expectations. I’m torn between losing him and losing myself.
UPDATE/EDIT: Edit / Add-on:
Wow, I didn’t expect this many responses. Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and share your perspectives, I truly appreciate it. I asked for honesty, and I got it.
That said, I also received a lot of hate DMs. calling me a witch that deserves to be publicly shamed. Calling me a slut and So many more things. I’m still reading through everything though, there are thoughtful insights even among the harsh responses, and I’m trying to take in what’s actually useful lol.
Since so many people engaged with this, I want to add some context. My original post was a bit filtered because the full situation felt too long to explain, but I realize that missing details can change how things come across.
When I say I’m “not ready” because of my career, I mean that quite literally, I’m not financially independent yet. I’m currently finishing my thesis, which has been delayed for a few years due to mental health struggles and a major medical issue that required surgery last year. I’ve spent a long time just trying to get back to a stable place. 2 years of therapy and medication and only recently started feeling like I can properly move forward again. *Touch wood*. And through out all of this my bf stood beside me like a solid rock.
So yes, embarrassingly enough, at 31, I’m still dependent on my parents while I finish this phase. They finance my stay here in Delhi a luxurious one at that, because they can afford it.
On the other side, my boyfriend has had his own challenges. He struggled with substance use in the past, but he’s been completely clean for about a year now and is focused on his health and career. And i have been with him through out all of this. Paying for his therapy. We’ve both supported each other through some difficult periods, and that’s a big part of why this relationship means so much to me.
I know this added context might change how some of you see the situation, and I’m open to hearing that , even if it’s uncomfortable.
Again, thank you to those who responded thoughtfully. I may not be able to reply individually, but I am reading.