Petty family
My dad passed away recently and I honestly don’t know what to do moving forward.
For background: I used to be very close with my dad. I saw him every couple of weekends, talked to him weekly, and when my husband was deployed I spent most of my time at my parents’ house. We had a really good relationship.
In 2014 my dad divorced my mom and immediately started dating his brother’s ex-wife (I’ll call her Karen). I actually found out on my wedding night when he brought her there.
Things were okay at first, but over time everything changed. Phone calls were always on speaker, and eventually my dad would only call when he was alone traveling for work. My siblings and I slowly got pushed out.
Karen made it clear we weren’t welcome the way we used to be. We were told not to stop by unannounced anymore, and if we did, she made things so uncomfortable that we’d leave quickly. My sister eventually kicked them out of her house after Karen tried controlling who she dated.
There were a lot of painful moments over the years. My children were treated differently than Karen’s grandchildren. My daughter wasn’t even allowed to sleep in her usual spot during one Christmas visit, and when I tried arranging sleepovers with my dad for my kids, Karen said, “We’re not babysitters.” Meanwhile, her own grandkids stayed there all the time and even had their own rooms.
Fast forward to the beginning of May. My dad called me and told me he was in the hospital with pneumonia, a broken back, and cancer. He told me not to come the next day because he had tests, so I visited after that. I then found out he had already been hospitalized for 2 weeks and hadn’t told me because he wanted answers first.
Over the next week and a half, I visited him 3 times while also trying to care for my two young children. Nobody told us how serious things actually were.
Then one day I got a call from an estranged uncle I had never even met. He just told me to get to the hospital immediately and hung up.
When I arrived, my dad had suffered some kind of stroke and was dying. I wasn’t allowed near him. His wife wouldn’t let me hold his hand or properly say goodbye. I was basically left to grieve alone except for comfort from a younger cousin and his wife. Otherwise I was ignored.
After my dad passed, his wife held his hand for hours while I still never got a proper goodbye.
The next day my brother tried asking about funeral arrangements because we were completely out of the loop. That same uncle called and basically told us there would be no service, no will, and that we were “nothing now.” He said we wouldn’t receive any of our dad’s belongings or know anything about the estate. My husband ended up defending us on the call because the uncle was attacking us personally.
Then the obituary came out. My siblings and I were barely mentioned by name, while Karen’s children were listed almost like they were my dad’s actual children, and their kids were listed as his grandchildren. My grandmother and my dad’s other siblings weren’t even mentioned.
The only thing my siblings and I have left from my dad are hospital bands that kind nurses printed for us.
My dad didn’t have much as he fought tooth and nail for 20 years to keep our family afloat financially.
I genuinely don’t know what to do now. Do I fight for answers? Let it go? Try grieving and move on? Has anyone dealt with something like this?