TW: mentions of suicidal thoughts, physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse.
My parents have been awful for years.
My dad has been violent at times for years, and I would end up sitting in my room as a kid to escape the fear. My dad sexually abused me a few years ago and I didn’t realise what he did was sexual abuse until around a few weeks ago. He pressured me for him to sleep with me when I was little. And when he was angry, he asked if I wanted to see his genitals and smashed the TV. And I feel horrible. I feel disgusting. He has thrown the table and multiple objects when he was angry before and sometimes food would drop on me, and I would get hit or nearly hit.. he also hardly washes his dishes and just leaves them… his behaviour is incredibly irresponsible. He’s a piece of shit honestly, and I can’t deal with his behaviour. He was really manipulative as well, trying to justify his behaviour. He’s commented on my appearance as well, saying that I should control my eating portions and that I need to exercise more. He’s also said that I’m getting too chubby. I have struggled with body image for years. I still struggle sometimes with eating because I feel like I’m not beautiful enough.
Last night, I was trying to have a conversation with my mum on how her behaviour is wrong and incredibly disrespectful. She has called me disgusting, useless and many times in the past. She even kicked me a few months ago. She ended up shouting at me, and I ended the conversation and went into the bathroom and ended up brushing my teeth. Then, my mum kept asking me to open the door, I said no. Then, she said she was going break open the door and make me pay of any damages to the door.. was going to wait two minutes and I ended up opening the door, but not to talk to her. She ended up arguing me until 1 IN THE MORNING… she threw a phone, threatened to break the door open and even asked me if I want to stay at home or not and if I even want to go to school. She claimed that I was disrespectful and ‘had an attitude’ for my behaviour and not writing down a few tasks that she wanted me after she literally threw my phone and threatened to break open the door..
In the past, my mum has threatened me and my sister. A few years ago, me and my sister went to town after school and the she said she was going to chop off our legs which is fucked up. She said she didn’t care if I lived or died. She said I should’ve killed myself. I misplaced my hair cutting scissors before and she threatened to chop off my fingers with them… when I was little, before school she had hit me with a wooden utensil and told me not to tell anyone.
I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I regret that I am staying in the same home with these awful people. I’m failing school, A-Level exams are in less than a month and I’m losing the will to live, to exist, I feel like fading away from the world would just be better.