Marriage Turmoil
I had originally posted about this months ago and received really good advice, but the situation has since devolved a bit. Please be kind and don't completely roast me.
I've been with my partner for 7 years and married for two. We are both in our 30's and professionals. It had been a year or so since we last had sex.
Just for some background. The last couple of years at his job had been intensely stressful. For the better part of the last four years even though he was climbing up, his position never felt safe. Seeing that the culture at his job was toxic and the effect this had on him I pushed for him to find something else. Often this was met with something to the effect of I'm doing this for us, I'm stuck here until you find a better job.
Eventually he did leave his job, I thought it would be at least a significant improvement. However, things really seemed to get worse. I work, do everything around the house, and I'm finishing my degree, and I work part time for the university. Part of why I took on so much was because he seemed so burnt out. Then the sex stopped.
At first I wasn't bothered, we've always had different sex drives. Weeks turned into months without any meaningful conversation, so I gently brought it up. He said that he felt insecure and ugly, thus unable to perform. We have tried to build his confidence to no avail.
Personally, I felt trapped, lost, and isolated. I had grown a little bit more concerned by a few behaviors. He says he doesn't understand why I'm with him, he has been acting slightly more controlling in odd ways, and he is just so miserable.
I was at the end of my ropes. I've encouraged therapy, couples therapy, meditation, and the gym. All of these have been swiftly rejected. On my part I became closed off and found it difficult to communicate as everday just felt the same, and more or less like I wasn't being listened to. I put my head down and just kept going.
Eventually, I met someone who was in my mind, his foil. Active, kind, confident, a good listener. We bonded very quickly and I eventually had to say I'm married, I really like you, but I can't lead you on. We paused and eventually conversation trickled and then flowed again. It wasn't back to the same level but it was close. Eventually I intiated sex. I felt seen again. He was just so non-judgemental and kind. For a little while I felt free from expectation and like I could just let go.
Eventually my partner found out and everything came crashing down. I am in therapy and we are starting couples therapy (I hope).
Prior to all of this I was going to give him an ultimatum. Go to therapy or I don't think I can stay.
Even though we are working on things obviously things feel different. How could they not.
When there has been infidelity or major shifts in your relationships how did you move on?