Just an anonymous vent.
I just wanted to vent. I feel like I vent to my friends and family a lot about how sad I’ve been and I don’t want to burden them with my ever so constant sadness. It also helps me to write things down. I recently broke up with my ex a few weeks ago. I was seeing patterns that were similar to an abusive relationship I was in previously and got scared and bolted after a fight. To be clear, I said I was breaking up with them as I was leaving. (Things that were comparable to my previous experiences were lack of patience, name calling, anxiety about me going out with friends, insecurity in general and taking offense/ sensitive to my humor or comments or reading into my texts in a different context than intended- think the Key and Peel skit). I didn’t have the capacity for a sit down talk when I left. I felt horrible about the way I left, and still do. I was so scared to meet to get my things I was shaking and shut down due to my past. I tried so hard to resolve issues in a calm manner. It came to a point in our relationship where something little was the straw that broke the camels back.
When things were great, I thought they were an amazing person and partner, and I can’t help but continuously think about all of the nice things and cry. I try to remember all the fights that were picked and how sometimes I felt like I couldn’t express my feelings (to balance out the good), but all my brain wants to do is think about all the good things (which normally it doesn’t do). They were so disrespectful when things were not in their control. I felt like their feelings were the only ones they thought about. No matter what I did, I felt like there was always something I was doing wrong. They kept insisting I was avoidant attachment, but when I took the quiz they sent I was secure in my relationships.
I waited a long time to date someone and try and find someone that aligned with my values and goals in life and I thought I had found that person. It’s like they didn’t think about my perspective at all. They have no idea how heartbroken I am Or how much I’ve cried thinking I’ve made a mistake. It’s especially hard when things that remind me of them keep popping up randomly in my life like a stupid gar fish or another reference. it’s like the universes little joke. I am so disappointed and hurt that I just want to give up. I miss them so much and I wish things went differently. I wish I could see them a few months from now and try again and see if things would be different. Ive just been feeling pathetic. Outwardly I smile but inside I’m just a pit. I feel like I need to trust my instincts though about what I’ve seen and how those behaviors align with someone unsafe in my past.