First Time “Divorce” 29M 31F
Hi all, first time poster here. 29M married to a 31F. In a weird place with recent events but for context we’ve been together about 10 years and married about 5. A couple months ago, after years of a loving and very deeply intimate relationship, and a child together (year and a half old) she moved out.
For context, we always had a beautiful life together, and were very much in-sync in almost every way. For whatever reason, having a baby together seems to have been the major force in the “change.” We both went different directions - she became absolutely obsessed with the baby, and I felt overwhelmed and withdrawn (I didn’t want to be, but couldn’t break out of the depression). Despite this, there were a lot of good times and important moments I was present for, and we largely seemed to get along, but it seemed like the hyper focus on the child meant a gradual decline in our own relationship. This is by no means from the perspective of jealousy, but it felt like a very over-the-top version of parenting.
Also, I know it would be easy to say that, because I was overwhelmed and withdrew, she may have felt the need to overcompensate. I get that, and have thought about this from nearly every angle I can fathom, but I don’t think that was it. This was a simultaneous change, and on the flip side I didn’t feel any room to be allowed to love and participate because she was THAT on top of the baby. Maybe someone will understand.
Anyway, things seemed salvageable for a while. Originally, I was going to stay at home to take care of the baby, after the parental leave period, but that only lasted about a month. Then, I went back to work (something doesn’t seem to have worked out with the original arrangement), and my parents would watch the child while we were both working. However, even this only lasted so long, before she decided we should put the baby in “daycare.”
Long story short, a lot of these decisions and reactions have been blamed on me. While I thought the first year was hard but was going to get better, I have had it described to me as “12 months of hell.” Apparently, it (and I) was so tumultuous and scary and everything was my fault. I remember entering a room only for her to flinch and jump back, like our relationship had totally shifted, and was being guilted for being “rough” and “abusuve” with the baby.
I’m a naturally guilt-ridden person, and will believe anyone off the street if they said I did something wrong or was to blame, so this really did a number on me.
I feel like my mental health started to and continued to unravel throughout this period, and had to quit my job at the end of the first year and was “encouraged” to leave and take a vacation to reset.
While I was gone (begrudgingly), we still talked over the phone and stayed in contact, but I felt like I was losing them. I came back in time for Christmas, and committed to that, no matter how things had been before, I would develop a real relationship with my baby.
For the next few months, things were going well, and we played and I was able to make the baby laugh, and life seemed to be getting better. However, at the end of the third month, having recently had a larger conversation about our life, a weekend trip to her parents became an indefinite stay. Within two weeks, I was told over the phone that they weren’t coming back, and she was seeking a divorce. Apparently, the last 15 months had been hell and she didn’t want to come back to that.
I was hurt, confused, unsure about the veracity of the claims but protective of her feelings, worried about my baby, not wanting to escalate proceedings, paranoid about what else will go wrong, and have been wrestling with these feelings and more for the last 2 months.
I may be writing this primarily as a therapeutic vehicle, but I have good days and bad, and the bad ones are often obsessively spent ruminating on what went wrong, how the future will go, and what truly happened in all this. Is this all my fault? Is it partly hers? I would be the one to seek reconciliation or outside assistance if it would benefit our relationship, but she has expressed no desire to do so, and hadn’t really entertained any kind of counseling or therapy for “us” (just me) over the time before the split.
I think, from having read similar accounts, that she had emotionally moved on and “grieved” a long time ago, but never really told me what was happening, apparently out of fear (of me) or just a feeling of futility.
We have been like best friends since we started dating and there wasn’t an obvious sign things were in such decline, as I think this was a more gradual damage, but when she left it felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I don’t really know what happens next and have tried to get over my own feelings to make positive steps: career, handling the house, getting my brain together (seeking therapy/psychiatry), but the bad days are really hard, still, just hopefully fewer in number.
There’s many other details in this grand saga but I wondered if anyone had gone through anything similar, if there’s any hope for repair or reconstruction, and how to handle the situation. I didn’t know how to handle being a dad before and it tears me up that it took such radical change to shock myself into understanding the gravity of the situation, but I want to be there for my child.
TLDR; Our marriage declined after the birth of our child and I don’t know what happened but they’ve left and I have to pick up the pieces. Thanks.