My boyfriend and I have been together for around 6 months, but were interested in one another and talking on and off for over a year before that. I had never really gone through his phone before, but after seeing that he was texting someone else, I went full blown detective and looked through everything I could think of a few weeks ago. For some reason, I decided to look at his Reddit. It was nothing but gay porn and femboy thirst traps that he had been looking at.
For context, I have never questioned his sexuality before this. He’s always been firm in his belief that homosexuality is a sin, but has (closeted) gay friends and is not overly homophobic by any means. He has never been very sexual in general, but I also brushed that off as being a result of his super religious upbringing.
TW: CSA
I addressed it with him very subtly and essentially told him that I think he needs to figure some things out about himself and that I would be there to support him no matter what. He didn’t get defensive or angry like I expected, but gave me a bs story about why he was looking at that. I blatantly told him that I didn’t believe him & after going back and forth on it, I pretty much said that unless he had a damn good explanation I could only assume he was gay. He then moved on to blaming it on his porn addiction, which he has been open about before & is no longer a major issue. I can understand that to an extent, but there were hundreds of videos/pictures in his history and it was ALL men. So, I continued to press him on it. He swore he has no romantic attraction to men & has never touched a man. To which I asked him if a man has ever touched him. Long story short, he opened up to me at this point about being sexually abused as a child by 2 men in his life. I’ve suspected for other reasons that he had a history of SA, but it seemed to me like he didn’t actually remember anything happening.
Obviously, my feelings changed significantly after hearing this and I understood the situation because I know first hand the weird things that can come from experiencing SA. We made up after that & it has been several weeks since this happened. I feel an immense amount of guilt though because I can’t seem to let go of the lingering thoughts that he may still be gay. I wouldn’t love him any less if he was, but I also wouldn’t want to waste my time on a relationship and trying to build a life together. Could it really be nothing more than a trauma response, and I’m just overthinking it? I feel so guilty for feeling like there could be more to it than that.