I am having existential crisis
Lately, my workload at work has increased significantly. We go to the office three days a week, and on those days I usually get home around 7:30 PM. Even after a long day, there is an expectation that I will cook dinner.
The truth is that I have never enjoyed cooking, but I still make the effort because my husband does not want to hire a cook. His view is that cooks may not maintain the same standards of cleanliness, so he prefers that we cook ourselves.
Recently, I suggested that instead of frequently ordering food or eating out, we could hire a cook to help reduce the burden. He immediately rejected the idea. When I explained how exhausting it is to come home from work and start cooking, he responded by saying that cooking is my main contribution to the household. He asked me, “If you stop cooking, what will your contribution to this marriage be?”
I told him that if I didn’t have to spend so much time cooking, I could take up other household responsibilities instead. But he continued to question what exactly I would contribute if a cook were hired.
What hurt me the most was feeling as though my value was being measured primarily by whether I cook or not. It made me wonder: am I here only to cook? Is that what my role in this marriage comes down to?
A couple of days ago, during what was supposed to be a happy birthday weekend, this topic came up again over dinner. Instead of enjoying the evening, I ended up in tears. After everything, he said, “I know you love me with all your heart, and I’m not questioning that. But apart from that, what would you do if we kept a cook?”
To make matters worse, when he was sick a few days ago and we were staying with my in-laws, his mother told me not to “give him tension.” I couldn’t understand that statement. How does sharing household responsibilities create tension? Later, my husband justified her comment by saying that she probably feels I don’t do much around the house other than cooking.
We have been happily married for two years. We both earn well, we don’t have major financial problems, and overall our relationship has been good. That’s why these comments have affected me so deeply.
I keep asking myself whether I am overthinking this, but I genuinely feel hurt by the idea that my worth and contribution seem to be reduced to household chores, especially cooking.