Yelled at my dog and he died after
Hey everyone, I want a genuine honest opinion on this. I had this handsome Yorkie for 8 years. I got him as a graduation gift after highschool. Right around the same time I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and began therapy and medication. My dad said he got him for me because he had researched and saw that yorkies are great emotional support dogs for people with depression. That little guy became my rock. My best friend, my soul dog. The bond I shared with him felt almost like having a kid (I know it’s not the same but that was my son) Literally my best friend. I would even take him grocery shopping. We did lots of things together. I had a sling for him to be carried by me even when we were out shopping or went somewhere where we’d walk a lot. That was my dog. Sometimes when I would get really depressed he would bark at me so much I would HAVE to get out of bed. Sometimes he was the only thing I had. My aunt once said he feels my emotions and can sense when I start to feel anxious.
Unfortunately, last year my Paco passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly. The day he died, he had somehow found this toy I used for my students at work. It was very sentimental to me, but my Paco had it in his mouth and wanted to play. But I was very triggered, emotionally, at the time, my brother and I had started arguing and I was fuming. Then I saw Paco with the toy and I got so angry at him. I grabbed the toy from him and called him a bad dog. I yelled at him so bad, and I even gave him a smack on the nose. I went go take a shower to cool off, and when I got out of the shower my Paco was dead on the floor. No blood, no sign of injuries. I have since been a mess. That year was the worst year of my life. Since the anniversary of his passing I’ve been feeling so much guilt about the way he died. I feel like I genuinely broke his heart and scared him so much he had a heart attack. What kind of dog mom does that? He was a precious little boy. That was my baby and I made him feel so bad and that was the last thing I said to him. I genuinely believe that I killed him. Has anyone else experienced something similar? Is it possible he actually did die of a broken heart and being scared? I so genuinely want to know if it was my fault so I can feel the guilt and try to work on it in therapy. I feel like such a horrible person. I cry so much I have panic attacks and need to know if it was actually my fault. I loved my boy and he was everything to me. I just wish I never did that and called him a good boy or something kind as my last words. Thank you so much for reading this. Any actual and brutally honest opinions or knowledge? Tips on how to move on from the guilt and anger?