The perceived sin of loving you
I know that loving you isn’t wrong. Nothing could feel more natural. Sometimes it haunts me that I’ll never be able to fully express it because of the circumstances but after several years I’m finally coming around to at least shedding the notion that feeling this way means something evil or sinister about me.
I do know that expressing it in its fullness would be wrong because of the circumstances so I’ll let this platform be a medium for my wild and feral heart that is untouched by the system, by the rules, by ego…
Tonight (Wednesday) was really magical for me. There’s so much unspoken energy in our interactions that hit me harder than words ever could. I’m hyper-aware of the way it feels in my core when you smile and banter with me across a crowded room and the intimacy I feel and awareness I feel in that space but even deeper is when we are in close proximity and for a moment the bubble pops… except bubble is the wrong word….
It feels so much more like a shield that occasionally disarms. I have to have that shield up, I think… I’m open to diving deeper into that.
When your body is so close to mine just as a brush up, an electric current surges through me. I don’t try to feel this way but it’s natural and organic, so maybe it’s just human and it’s okay to like the way it feels because I love you.
I do. I love you.
I love you silly and your serious and your talents and your insecurities.
I’ve started to accept that. Years of ups and downs in other dynamics and the awkwardness of holding the mutual attraction (I feel it) has been one of the most transformative experiences of my life.
I can and will always hold boundaries but somewhere in there is the freest yearning and love for you, and I give it spaces to exist..
At night when I close my eyes, you’re pressing into me, hungrily kissing, yearning realized in a moment that can’t actually exist- only in the confines of my mind, my inner world, and that’s sacred enough for me.
Sometimes I wish you knew just because I think you question yourself, gaslight yourself with self doubt, but I’m so inspired by you, delighted by you, and just respect you which is why this will be my only outlet. Still it feels good to write it out and send it into the void and hope that in some way it’ll find you energetically- that you will know that you are loved and craved even though it will not be acted upon.
I see those hours spent with you as the pinnacle of my week and always the next chapter of the story of how we evolved together and did life together while I respectfully loved you without fully expressing it the whole time.
Some may say “just tell them” but I frankly think that the ability to hold longing and have the discipline not to indulge it because of the external circumstances is very romantic. More romantic than the reality of telling you, really.
I’ll keep finding ways to pass the message along in any way that honors both of us. For now, this is one method I know you’ll never discover and that brings me comfort. Someone out there will believe it to be for them, but I will know that the one I love never looks here, so it feels to be safe passage.