(F18) What is wrong with me
I regularly consume my own skin, dead skin, discharge, snot, boogers, scabs, nails and blood. Anon account for obvious reasons. I’m not looking for advice to stop anything, since I don’t see it possible. I’ve done this almost my whole life. I used to cut myself and lick the blood once it pooled, a sort of jam texture almost. I will pick my nose and eat anything from it. Anything my vagina produces too, though I deem any period blood off of tampons or pads too far. I’ve never eaten my own stool, in fact very afraid of anything like that from a time I had an abnormal white blood cell content and had to take medication for about 2 weeks as a child. I’ve probably tasted my own pee just from contact on my hands. I don’t believe anyone but me is real or truly conscious and that I’m living in a simulation strummed up by own brain. I used to be very afraid of dying and losing my consciousness. I have sexual thoughts about everyone I meet. I’ve never been on medication, or treated, for any sort of mental illness. I fantasise explicitly about suicide every day. Wow, it gets more honest as I go. I haven’t shared this information with anyone. I don’t remember what age I started masturbating but I have always done it a lot, though I identify as asexual because I wouldn’t ever really want to engage in sex with anyone. I do fantasise about it often, although it’s always unwanted thoughts, explicit enough to make me grossed out. I’m truly an introvert but I can mask very well as an extrovert. I talk to strangers, I will consume any substance. Weed, alcohol, nicotine, opium, though I don’t find myself addicted to anything. I know drugs/ alcohol put my mind in a state where I lose control of my true self for a while. I have no big hopes or dreams for my life except to experience everything possible, although that’s not possible. I gag when something smells bad, I gag when I see something of a slimy texture. I can’t stand people biting my food, and I have to turn away to avoid seeing saliva, and when it comes my turn to bite it, my mind seems to envelope me in loud thoughts about seemingly nothing. I bite the tastebuds off my tongue and drink the blood, sometimes letting it drip onto my skin before licking it off. I will eat the ooze that comes out of pimples. This is a very hard to read text, I apologise, I could list topics together but I simply cannot be bothered to go back and change things. Speaking of, I believe I don’t have any emotions until I find myself shouting or crying and I suddenly stop. I hate externally showing my emotions that I don’t believe in, it gives me a feeling that I don’t have control of my own brain. I would probably (I forgot what I was going to say here). I forget things a lot, but I remember when someone reminds me. I can’t track my own thoughts well because my brain moves so fast. I’m called funny because I make jokes a lot, good ones. I think there is truly something wrong with me, and I’d rather live a life where I’m unaware of my consciousness. I have never experienced anything truly traumatic. I was hit with a belt a few times as a kid, but my parents deny that, although I remember it very clearly. When people cry about catching me cutting myself, arms covered in blood, I don’t feel anything. If anything, I try not to laugh, thinking about how pity and empathy are very useless. I do apologise for this format, I do realise it’s hard to read and jumps around a lot. Except, I’m never truly sorry, I have always apologised a lot, though I don’t ever mean it. I’ve never felt sorry for anything or anyone in my life. I don’t expect I’ll live long enough to do everything I’d like to, but I also have full confidence that I’m truly immortal and nothing will ever harm me and I’ll never age. I’ve gotten off to anything and everything. An orgasm isn’t really that good, it’s just a feeling of accomplishment after working, just like everything in life. I do wish I had a penis though and a male body, and perhaps even a male brain. I think everything would be perfect if I died and lost all my memories right now and was reborn in a man, though I don’t believe in reincarnation. God this must sound like a schizo post, though the opening line is a good attention puller (there’s a word for it but I can’t remember). I don’t think at some point I consumed something that caused a state of derealisation because I’ve always been like this. It feels like this state of mind has been festering since I was a child, though I don’t clearly remember much of my childhood except very specific random memories, and even then it doesn’t feel like me in those recounts. I’m sort of looking for a diagnosis, since I’ve never talked to anyone about this. Maybe if I was told exactly what was wrong with me, I’d snap out of it and become somewhat normal again. This whole post sounds straight out of I’m 14 and this is deep but oh well. I’ll reply to any questions that pique my curiosity and/ or people who experience a similar thing, though I doubt this post will get any traction I just want to get this off my chest (ahah like the sub name). I’m posting here because I think reddit is the most honest and no-shame environment (the anonymity helps). Again, no one would suspect this of me, except disregard me as a little strange sometimes. I am very untrustworthy of everyone and believe everyone conspires against me. Also, despite all the “gross” things I do, I am a clean person, I shower once a day, sometimes twice. I make sure I don’t smell. I wash my hands after anything and everything (+ after every time I’ve been outside, touches anything that is unpleasant). I make sure I don’t smell. Thank you if you did read though. I’ll edit to add anything else I’d like.