I 38F dont know if i can stay married to my husband M42, after i reported him to CPS. Is there still something we can save?
So, i need advice.
I 38F have been married to my husband 42M for 11years. We have two children. My husband has been a bit distant since our first child was born. Sometimes he said something inapproprite like, i would tell him, how tired i was from the lack of sleep and he would say: well what did you think would happen after having a child 🥴. Stupid me, just wanted to be a perfect wife and mother. I sucked at both. My baby was crying all the time, was latched most of the night and was just..unhappy. my husband was and still is great with her. But not with me. I was sometimes jealous of her, for getting all his attention and i got zero. A year went on and my husband was getting thinner and thinner and his attitude was getting worse. Looking back, he was anorexic. I know he lost over 35kg, his pulse was 31/min, he was sent to hospial twice but he lied about his weight and he didnt go on any tests. So he was at home, taking care of a toddler and i was at work, fearing i would find him dead when i get home. Somehow we got through it and he refused getting help, because "there was nothing wrong with him". He remained cold toward me. I kept trying, to help him and to reconnect, but it didnt work. And also - i really wished to have another baby. He had many problems in the bedroom and i felt like i did all the work..all the time..and he was just not into it. So the second baby is ivf baby. After succesful transfer..i guess i stopped trying working on our relationship. I just didnt see the point in trying to make our relationship better if i always get to a wall. So the second baby was born and of course there is no sleep again. After months of not sleeping and when the baby ate solids, i stoped breastfeeding and my husband pitched in. Great, i finally got some sleep!
Then one night, was really tough and in the morning when i got up, i told my husband, how tired i was and he said: well dhaaa, i was with the baby all night!
Hm..i was there a lot and didnt see him, so i checked the camera and i saw, he was shaking our 11-month old! I was beyoned shocked! And i confonted him and he saw nothing wrong with it! I couldnt believe it! I didnt let him take care of the baby at night again. And after a few days, i talked to him again and he was saying things like - its the angle of the camera, i didnt do anything wrong!
So..i reported him to cps, showed them the tape (he deleted them, but i had it saved on the phone). I told him about it. And he was even more cold toward me. I kinda thought he would be mad and moved away? But no, he didnt. Well today i had enough and told him, if he wont start acting to me like a normal human being, i want him out of the house! After a few hours, we finally talked, it was the talk we should have years ago. He was sorry for what he put me through, he knows he made some wrong decisions. He told me he loves me and he cant be without me. He said, he is afraid to talk to me, because he is afraid of my reactions. I asked him, where is this comming from, i mostly talk with him calmly? He said, he doesnt know why, he is afraid.
I told him, i love him and cant imagine being without him, but at the same time, i cant live like this.
He still doesnt think, he needs help and he still doesnt think, he did anything wrong.
For context: i ended up in psychiatry due to extreeme lack of sleep (burnout) and am reciving help. It turns out i am autistic. We both work full time, but i am the one who bought the house, car and pays 90% of bills. I often run out of money now, that i cant work as many shifts as i did before the baby but he refuses to make a financial plan. Well not refusing, but avoiding. He always says - we have enough (food etc) at home 🥴 "dont worry, everything will be fine. "
I will wait, what will happen when police and cps interview him and if he will finally be open to get some help. I went through a lot with him and besides all the bad things i wrote about him, he is very handy, he is there for me, i know he adores our children. He is not a bad person.
I go from "i love him, i cant be without him" to "he really did some shitty things to me" all the time. I dont want to ruin our family but yet, i cant keep going like this. I hate the grey. Advice?