u/Infamous-Owl-4066

I (19F) and my friend (19M) have known each other since we were about 8 years old. We grew up in a very small, somewhat isolated rural community where everyone knows everyone and everyone’s business. We went to school together, were in the same class for years, have the same friend group, live close to each other, etc. We’ve basically grown up together and he’s one of my closest friends.

About a year ago he confessed that he liked me.

The problem was that I genuinely didn’t know how I felt.

I’ve never dated anyone and I’ve never really had a serious crush before. On top of that, I’ve always had a hard time understanding my own feelings. Sometimes something can bother me or affect me for months and I still won’t be able to explain exactly why.

So when he confessed, I didn’t reject him, but I couldn’t tell him I liked him back either. I basically told him I was confused and unsure about my feelings and needed time to think.

Honestly, the whole thing stressed me out. Not because I was uncomfortable with him specifically, but because of everything surrounding it.

He’s not just some random guy. He’s someone I’ve known for most of my life. We share friends, we live in a tiny community, and if things went badly it wouldn’t just affect us. It would affect our whole social circle.

I kept thinking things like “What if we date and it doesn’t work out?”

“What if we ruin our friendship?”

“What if things become awkward with everyone else?”

I was so overwhelmed that I couldn’t even figure out what I actually felt.

Then about a week later I ended up hospitalized for a bit more than a month because of a life-threatening medical emergency. For most of that month my survival wasn’t guaranteed. I was sedated and on a ventilator, it was honestly a miracle I made it out alive. I was completely unable to access my phone or communicate with anyone. The situation didn’t end when I woke up either. After spending almost a month sedated and bedridden, I had to go through rehabilitation. I had to relearn how to walk properly, regain strength, and basically learn how to function normally again. One of my arms was almost completely paralyzed for about three weeks. I even had to relearn things like eating, drinking, and speaking. It took nearly two months for my voice to come back, and even now it still isn’t completely back to normal.

Because of all that, my focus after leaving the hospital wasn’t on relationships or figuring out my feelings. I was trying to recover and get my life back. The problem is that he had absolutely no idea any of this was happening.

While I was in the hospital he kept texting and calling me, and obviously I never responded because I physically couldn’t. 

When I finally got my phone back and was able, I saw a bunch of messages from him.

Some said he thought we should just stay friends.

Some were apologies. In one message he said he knew he had done something “horrible” and would understand if I hated him.

Reading those messages afterward was honestly awful because he thought I was ignoring him when I was literally fighting for my life.

After I got out of the hospital I explained everything to him.

At that point I tried bringing up the confession again, but he basically brushed it off and told me to forget about it. We never really talked about it after that.

But even though we never talked about it again, I found myself thinking about it every now and then for a long time. Sometimes I even wondered whether I would have eventually figured out how I felt if everything hadn’t been interrupted so suddenly.

Fast forward to last week.

He told me he started dating one of his friends. I was surprised because I didn’t even know he liked this person.

I tried to be excited for him, but if I’m being honest, I wasn’t really feeling excited.

I hadn’t slept at all the night before, so I was exhausted and my brain wasn’t functioning properly, but as soon as he told me my mind immediately started racing about everything that happened last year.

Ever since then I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.

A few days later he came over to my house again and after he left my dad’s girlfriend randomly asked me why him and I never dated. Then yesterday I talked to his older sister and she was talking about how cute they are together and how happy she is for him.

Everyone around me seems excited and happy for him. And I am happy for him. But at the same time I feel weird.

The part I’m most ashamed of is that I keep catching myself thinking that I kind of want them to break up.

I don’t dislike the girl he’s dating.

I don’t want him to get hurt.

I don’t want to sabotage anything.

But for some reason I keep having thoughts like “I wonder how long they’ll last” or “what if they break up soon” and I feel like a terrible person for even thinking that, I’m ashamed even writing that.

The thing is, I don’t even know if I ever had romantic feelings for him. That’s what’s driving me crazy.

I genuinely cannot tell if I liked him and never realized it, if I never got enough time to figure out how I felt, if I’m upset because there was never any closure, if I’m upset because now it feels like that door is completely closed, if I’m worried our friendship will change or if it’s some combination of all of those things.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? From an outside perspective, does this sound like unresolved feelings, regret, lack of closure, or something else entirely?

I’m genuinely trying to understand why this is affecting me so much.

English is not my first language so sorry I’m for any mistakes. Also I’m sorry if this post is a bit messy. Thanks in advance:)