u/Infamous-Reindeer-31

Really struggling to remember who I was. I know I am all my parts and all my parts are me. But I still go through life just not knowing anything. Why did I wake up in this hotel? Why is there 7 more parcels at my house? Where did I get this hoodie I’m wearing? Why have I put on a bunch of weight? Is that really what my voice sounds like? Oh my god, is that a new tattoo and a black eye?? These are just a few things I’ve asked myself in the past few weeks. And then there’s the moments where I am no one. I don’t have a name, I don’t have a voice, I don’t have a body. I’m just in the void and I can’t see or feel anything. But I can also feel everything and hear everything and see everything and then the flashbacks start and suddenly I’m 4 years old again and covered in cuts and acetone, then I’m suddenly 7 years old and I’m covered in dirt and cobwebs from hiding under the garden shed, then I’m back in the void then I’m back at another point of my life and then I’m back in my house and I’m wearing completely different clothes, I’ve painted my nails several different colours and it’s been 4 days since I was aware of myself and it’s hell. I hate this so much. Then there’s the imposter syndrome where I don’t feel like there’s actually anything wrong with me and I’m just being dramatic. And the fact that I am so privileged in my position of wealth as I have “retired” at age 30 as I inherited millions from my late grandfather. I no longer live with roommates and I have my own house. My mortgage is already payed off and I don’t ever have to work again, but I still have a part time job though just to keep me busy. I make more than 5k each month with my ISA alone. I should be happy and free. But obviously the monkeys paw curled and yes I’m rich and free to do pretty much whatever for the rest of my life but I’m also trapped in this endless cycle of hell. Worst part is not all my parts are even aware of this money and luck. So half the time I think I’m still moneyless and being abused. God is a fickle, fickle man. — GEMMA

I feel so alone with this disorder I know that sounds silly cuz I’m literally plural but I feel so isolated. It’s so hard going out with friends and keeping up with them cuz my amnesia is so bad. I’m not even sure if my other alters like them so I feel so alone. I wish I could tell my friends that I do love them and I want to see them more but I think I’m the only one who fronts with them or even knows them personally. Every alter just does their own thing. My life is so disorganised. I wish I could be happy and like I don’t like the fact I have to be this way at alll it’s not my fault it’s not my fault I didn’t choose to be this way I’m so pissed off that this is the life I’m left with when the WORTHLESS MONSTER JUST WALKS FREE WHEN HE LEFT ME IN PIECES I HATE HIM I’m so fucking stressed I’m sorry this wasn’t meant to be this long but fuck man this is really hard to deal with I want to be free I want to me whole again I miss my friends so much I love them more than anything but I can’t even remember what I did just one hour ago I live in hell and my other alters get to just fucking vibe and spend all my fucking money