after 5 years i finally gave myself closure
5 years ago, when i was 16, i fell in love with a guy i met online. he was 20 at that time. it was beautiful at first then it started, he kinda ruined it by making it sexual. started forcing me to do sexual things constantly even when i refused and was clearly visible that i was uncomfortable. but yeah it made a deep scar. it happened several times and i allowed it to happen because it was my first love and he kept saying if i dont do this or that, he would stop texting me. foolish, i know. then after a while i think he started feeling guilty. so he ended it. no closure, no final goodbye. it wasnt even a relationship to begin with so i had no choice but to accept it.
but the 16 year old me experiencing my first heartbreak didnt know what to do. so i cried, cried and cried for 2 long years. even after 2 years, it felt embarrassing for me to admit that i still loved him. so i did the easy job. i started trying to hate him. he did try reaching out and even apologized. but i was extremely rude and dismissive because i thought he didnt deserve my forgiveness. i kept trying to hurt him. whenever a thought of him comes up, i would be like "no dont think about him. i hate him"
until few years back, i went to his city as a family trip. i got a strong urge to text him but i thought it was a random curiosity. but i ended up texting him, we had normal casual base level convo. but it was devastating for me. i was talking to my sister about it and she said "atleast he apologized"
then i thought. he apologized, i want to forgive him. keeping other feelings aside, whats wrong with forgiving him? what good comes from hating him?
so i decided to process it all. he made a big mistake, i cried over it for years, kept trying to get over it, kept dismissing me own feelings. so i decided to text him and tell him genuinely that i have nothing against him. i kinda crossed a boundary and overshared so much which was kinda embarrassing. he did say things that i needed to hear but was still cold and distant.
but it didnt matter to me anymore. i stopped trying to be something and genuinely did what i wanted to do and let go of all negative feelings for him and in mind, i truly wished the best for him. i think he was going through some things and seeing him hurt like that made me curious. that curiosity was also embarrassing. like why should i care? but then i wished the best for him in my mind like he meets someone whom he can truly be himself with and that really did make me feel better
after all that i never really believed in these kind deep emotional stuff like closure, connection, energy etc. what i thought was that when someone hurts you badly, you cut them off. feelings doesnt matter.
but this situation changed that belief. i feel very lighter, more grounded. im not saying ive been thinking about this guy 24/7 for past 5 years. but it was unresolved feelings. and i solved it and it feels like i dropped a heavy baggage. it feels good to let this finally go. idek if im being so sensitive and cringe about it. maybe ill cringe about this after a while but in this moment, i feel good. so just putting it here