Yes please. Oh I have been waiting (patiently, Scott owes us nothing). I am STOKED. Do we think this is a single track or possibly an album? Feels like a single track. I’ll take anything.
Thanks for changing my life Scott.
TLDR: my step daughter Kate moved out at 18, and I won’t agree to allow her to move back in. I don’t think she’s asked to move back in but my wife says she should have the option. SD F19 is talking about having a baby with a disabled man who doesn’t or can’t work or provide. I ask you all this: do all kids get treated/given the same things or is it based on their behavior? SD was awful to our family for 8 years and now my wife has forgotten and I have not.
I could use someone else’s perspective here please. Unfortunately it’s long as it’s been an ongoing issue for 9 years now but I’ll try to shorten it as much as possible. My wife and I have been married together for 10 years and married for 8. I brought 4 kids from a previous marriage and she brought 2. Her oldest daughter Kate (19) and I have struggled to get along the last 8 years. When I first met my wife Kate was fun. We played games, played catch and I was the fun one who didn’t have to do any parenting. I liked it that way. When Kate turned 11 something changed. That was after living together for 1 year and then and her mom and I getting married a few months prior to the change.
Now around this same time my mother in law
who has been in and out of contact with my wife her entire adult life (due to MILs Borderline Personality Disorder) was actively trying to turn my wife, her kids and all of my wife’s family against me. MIL was worried I would move states with my wife and her kids. We had discussed it and there was a job opportunity that we were considering. MIL loved me and thought I was heaven sent until we mentioned moving 5 hours away as a possibility. Then suddenly I was evil. She spread lies about me and was fairly successful in her efforts. My sister in law and her husband bought MILs song and dance completely and my relationship was never the same with them despite MIL admitting years later she made it all up.
During this time when Kate was 11 she got an iPod which allowed calls from MIL. We were sitting on the couch when MIL called and Kate answered on speaker. My wife and I listened as MIL started saying very negative things about me to Kate. This is the time we heard it. Imagine the times we didn’t. For context we are currently no contact with MIL until she gets help/treatment for her behavior.
Kate became very difficult to be around. Part of it was likely teen angst but her attitude towards me and my kids became very bad. She was rude, cold, lazy and refused to help with any of the household chores. She was a slob. She treated everyone like garbage. She’s had no stable friends. She can make friends but her friends stop talking to her because she’s rude. I believe Kate is narcissistic. I’ve felt that way since I not long after I met her.
After many years of this when high school graduation came she opted for a college 4 hours away, I was thrilled. There had been several instances where due to her behavior I had told my wife that when she turned 18 she needed to move out and move on. My wife always agreed in the moment but after some time would change her mind. She would reset and completely forgive and forget all the things that had happened. There are too many to list. I let my wife know my frustration that it feels like she gets amnesia very quickly.
On some level I can understand this. My kids are well behaved but not perfect. Do I forgive and forget because they are bio kids? Yes. So I’m trying to be understanding of that. Kate stayed with us 2 months past the agreed upon move out date and left for college in August of 25. Which is fine, if she’s leaving for college in August I won’t hold to the move out date of June. Well just a couple weeks into college Kate was homesick and stopped going to class. She got together with a boy and they spent every second together. They both quit going to class and quit college all together. We weren’t a huge fan of the boy. He can’t work or drive due to a vision impairment. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that right? Lots of folks have disabilities. But it quickly turned into her working to support him. She quit school half way through the semester and moved back to town. Kate and the boy got an apartment with some roommates (all they could afford on his $800 per month disability pay.) she had never worked much. She worked approximately 2 weeks total prior to leaving for college. After moving back from college Kate ended up getting a nanny job from which she was fired after 2 months for reasons she doesn’t want to say. Fine. None of my business. She then got a full time job in retail. Shes also got a second job doing doorsdash. So she’s working her butt off while this boy sits on the couch and plays video games all day.
He can’t hold a conversation. It’s like the lights are on but nobody is home. There’s been some things where we think he may be emotionally and possibly physically abusive. She’s mentioned when they argue he blocks the door and won’t let her leave their bedroom until they resolve the fight. That’s not good. I saw some bruises on her face that were obviously covered with make up but I didn’t say anything until after she left and my wife didn’t notice. We haven’t seen that since.
Here’s the issue. I haven’t been able to forgive Kate’s treatment of myself, my wife and my kids. I do need to say that since she moved out and left for school 4 hours away we have gotten along much better. When she comes over she’s not difficult to be around as she was previously. To my wife she’s acknowledging her behavior and apologized but she has not done that with anyone else in our family. My wife says I should forgive Kate’s past behavior.
I’ve said I’m not comfortable with her moving back in with us. But I am okay if she needs a place to stay while she figures it out. We have had two kids of our own recently and no long have a bedroom available for her. Additionally I just like her better not living with us. My wife has said the that too that she likes her so much better not living with us. Kate’s a slob. She never cleaned up after herself even one time. I have some resentment towards my wife for allowing it. For never making Kate do chores around the house consistently. It “wasn’t worth the fight” and “she will do it wrong and I’ll have to redo it so why bother”. I have resentment for her allowing the abusive treatment of the rest of our family by her daughter. Occasionally my wife would address the behavior but Kate would just bat her eyes and be sweet for a day or two then all was forgiven and it would start right back up.
Lately kate has been talking about babies. She wants to be a mom. She says the boy already agreed she can be a SAHM which is what my wife is. We’ve been fortunate enough that I work from home and my hours and schedule are fairly flexible and my wife takes care of kids (2 of them under 3 year old, plus hee 16M and my 16M and 13F when they are with us 30% of the time).
Uh okay who is going to pay for Kate to have a baby and stay home to raise it? Probably my wife and I. This affects us. When Kate moved out we agreed that we would not help her financially. She needed to learn lessons and had been handed everything up to that point. Kate calls crying from the gas pump that her card was declined. My wife folds immediately and sent her money for gas. My wife says I’d have done the same for my kids. Damn right I would. But mine didn’t do what Kare did. Also we had an agreement not to bail her out financially. My wife broke that without talking to me first. How will her kid learn when she’s had zero consequences and been bailed out her entire life? Now before you come for me I will say I’ve given Kate lots of food and other household items to help. We’ve told her if she’s hungry to come over and eat. We won’t let her starve.
So now that she’s talking about getting pregnant at 19 with a boy who can’t (or won’t? We aren’t sure) work or drive, my wife is upset that I said I wouldn’t agree to let Kate move back in with us if it means getting her away from this boy before she gets baby trapped by him. I’m sorry no. We don’t have room and I can’t do it. I’m worried this means I’ll be blamed for everything when she gets pregnant and my wife and I will end up probably raising her kid or at least paying for it. It will be my fault because I said I didn’t want her to live here. While Kate hasn’t asked to move back in my wife says she knows she isn’t allowed so therefore isn’t asking.
My wife says I’d do this stuff for my kids happily and she’s right. But they didn’t do and haven’t been what Kate has. So my question for all of you is do all kids always get the same treatment?
Where do I go from here with my wife and Kate? I do get long well with my step son just FYI. He has agreed Kate has pushed too far and it’s better that she doesn’t live here. We haven’t involved him in the conversation but those were his own feelings he shared.
Sorry for the lengthy rant I am just at a loss here. Not sure if I’m way wrong or what. Thanks for reading.