u/InfiniteComment3807

I don't expect anyone to reply to this but it's worth a shot

I don't exactly know how to put it into words but a few years ago it's almost like I just lost my ability to feel altogether, I don't feel anything most of the time it's like a blank state, even in serious situations where i should be upset or angry, but i simply don't feel anything, I mostly have to rely on my logical center for stuff like that cause otherwise I would have no idea what to do 99% of the time and even then I just stick to stuff I'm familiar to because of it

And since this has been an issue for years, I'd say around late pre teen ages? I've obviously haven't had been the best at actually doing the correct things for myself, I've gotten into pretty dangerous and uncomfortable friendships before but now I'm positive I have enough knowledge to at least somewhat avoid getting into more of them (ex: "This is morally wrong of them to do, even if I don't feel anything on it they shouldn't treat me like this.")

I also used to be relatively insensitive to other people's emotions as I couldn't understand them, now this has changed since I've grown up quite a bit and I've learnt a lot on stuff like this but it still used to be a problem nonetheless, and this still kind of shows up as well but not as intensely as before (ex: I don't understand why people crave compliments from their loved ones or strangers even, it seems pointless to me and I've gotten into issues with an old friend over me never complimenting her cause she'd feel unseen (???😭) and so on)

The only way I "experience" emotions "properly" is if I pretend to have them, the best example I can give is getting a surprise and then forcing myself to smile through it and laugh even if I don't really feel anything on it, or pretending to be happy after seeing someone after a long time even though I feel nothing on it, pretending to be disappointed with someone even if I don't feel anything, I only really don't pretend to be sad and angry cause I think those two are honestly kind of embarrassing I think people act very irrationally and stupid when they're sad or angry so I don't really have a desire to cosplay them and I do sometimes feel them anyway compared to the others so it seems pointless

I do experience them in either in rare odd bursts (I get sad over something and then it doesn't go away until I fall asleep, to be more specific lets say a character death in a movie made me sad, I will have that sadness randomly come back during the day on completely irrelevant things that have nothing to do with the original reason and then this doesn't happen again for months) or in a very odd way most people don't (I experience anger by getting a headache most of the time, that's it, nothing else happens my line of thinking doesn't even change and I don't feel anything else bodily wise aside from the headache, though I do also cry sometimes when mad thank god there's ONE thing that stuck with me from childhood)

I guess the emotions I feel the best are actually shame and anger, I have struggles with everything else, even basic stuff like hunger, thirst, feeling tired, drained, etc, I can't feel like almost all positive emotions like always and that bugs me the most (I only really feel hope and interest i guess?? i think??? even then I have no clue dude)

I want to try and maybe fix this, cause I think I'm missing out, I guess I'm kind of thankful I don't have to deal with I guess a non dulled down version of myself cause I'd probably explode, but it also feels odd for people to explain joy and love and for me to simply not understand that anymore, I want to feel stuff again but I don't know how to and I really want to know how, I don't have access to any professional help for now and I really want to work on it in any way I can on my own but I know I won't be able to do too much so I kind of want to find a work around I guess? I don't know bro it's like I'm not actually human like I'm a skinwalker or some shit peace out