Son's mother in law aggressively pushing kids to be child free. How do I navigate?
I'm really sorry, but this is going to be a long one. I guess I'm looking for advice from those of you with young adult married kids for how to support my son and DIL, as well as how to handle the most bat shit woman I've ever encountered.
I think yesterday was probably the most awkward holiday get together I've ever had among a growing number of awkward get togethers since we started including my daughter in law's mother. The whole thing started when we sat down to eat and were talking about the house the kids are in the process of buying. My daughter in law made a comment about the future baby room, and MIL loudly announced "not this again". It kind of got everyone's attention (which is her usual move cause batshit), and DIL said for her to please not start, and not here. I was kind of confused because I wasn't aware this was an ongoing conversation with them.
For background, my son has graduated college, and works at the company he was already interning for. They got married shortly after that while DIL was finishing her last year of undergrad. Son just got a big promotion, DIL is currently in grad school, and they are buying a house. They've always told us that after DIL finishes grad school she's going to work for a few years first and then they want to have a family.
MIL starts going in with reasons they shouldn't be considering kids, and my DIL asked her, again, to leave off. MIL then turns to me and asks me to help her out on this. I'm looking at my DIL and she's looking mortified at this point (not unusual with MIL on stage), and my son is giving me this pleading look, so I just said something along the lines of, that's a big personal topic, and probably something for them to figure out for themselves. She doubled down, and instead of the points she had made about how it's going to burden them, she then started going on about how selfish they were for even considering having a child. My son tried to talk over her to my husband and my BIL in an effort to change the subject (he uses humor in these situations and it usually works), and my husband was doing the same. Did I mention we had 12 other family members and friends this was all happening in front of? My sister and I tried to engage MIL in a different topic of conversation entirely, but MIL took the floor again (again, not unusual for her) by directly addressing my son, saying some shit like when he married her daughter she thought he had more critical thinking, purpose, and mission, and that would help her daughter to be better. That's when my DIL teared up and left the table, and the whole table was just kind of stunned. My son looked at MIL and said that this was the last time this was going to happen, and then left to go check on DIL. The woman actually turned to my sister to continue the topic! My husband told MIL to change the subject or leave, and I jumped up and announced that we had apple pie and ice cream! MIL just carried on after that like the whole thing never happened, and did have to leave an hour or so later (to travel back home to another city thank God).
My poor DIL, when I asked if she was OK later, actually apologized! We are really close, and I've always tried to be extra supportive because I know her mom is a piece of work, but I really didn't understand how deep the crazy was till yesterday. I just gave her a hug, and told her what they do is no one's business, and that she had nothing to be sorry about. Then she broke my heart when she said that every time her mom criticizes her for wanting to have kids one day, she thinks it's because she was such a burden to her. She's an only child, of a single crazy mom. Her dad left when she was 3, and basically just sent birthday cards while he centered his life around a new wife and kids. I don't really know what words of support I can give her without overstepping my place as her MIL? I'm worried that support might come off as criticism of her mom. I don't know how to shut MIL down in these situations without overstepping either. My son is easy. He just needs a hug and validation. He already knows we are proud of him, we're always here for him, and we support his choices, and won't interfere. It just seems like my DIL might need a lot more, and I'm not sure what my boundries are?
If you read all that, I really appreciate it!