I’ve read so many stories on here, so many experiences and also so much advice (pretty much all of I’ve ignored however).
Me and my partner have been together for 5 years.
Last year, some strange subconscious thought made me decide to go through my fiancés phone. Low and behold, I found her messaging a guy from her past, pretty intimate messages - and ultimately messages from that exact day, about how they planned to meet up on that exact day (which makes it even stranger that I decided to look at her phone on that day). My blood instantly boiled, and I confronted her pretty much straight away. Her initial reaction was to get mad at me for looking through her phone, and as I began to read the messages out loud to her, she physically attacked me pretty badly.
Now in regular circumstances I would’ve walked straight out of the door, however, this occurred just 7 months after our son was born. In fact, if she was to go ahead with meeting this guy, she would have had our son with her whilst doing so.
Her reasoning for these messages was that “I wasn’t doing enough to support her”, which yes, I already know makes 0 sense as any form of excuse or reasoning to be doing this. She also said it was merely a fantasy and she wasn’t going to actually meet up with the guy.
Anyway, I’m here nearly a year later, still in a relationship where I’m essentially completely broken as a man. My self confidence has never been lower, despite attempts as trying to push myself forward, my entire outlook towards myself is 99% negative. The main reason I have stayed in the relationship is because of our child, and my fear of no longer being able to be around our child on a daily basis. I have two other children whom I do not live with, and my relationship with them is obviously not as strong as it could or should be because of this simple fact. In fact, the reason my relationship with the mother of my other two children broke down is because she cheated on me also.
Any form of trying to save our family has completely been from myself, with no real remorse or reconciliation from her side, probably because she realises I won’t leave and that there basically is no repercussions for her behaviour.
Even as I am writing this, I just feel so ashamed of myself for being this man who has allowed himself to be treated in such a way. I just really don’t know what to do any more. I’m in a pretty deep state of depression, I’m too embarrassed to open up or discuss what’s happened with anybody at all especially my friends and family, and I’ve just kept it all locked up to myself with no means of support.
I know I should leave, I know I’m stupid for staying, I know that I’ve essentially further brought on this pain and torment to myself. I just can’t bring myself to leave our home and leave our child. I do not want to be a weekend dad again. The thought alone of it scares me into a very dark place.
I don’t know if anybody else has ever gone through anything similar, or had to push through for the sake of their parenthood, however I’m at the brink of self destruction and I just had to let this out in some manner at least.
Humans can be so damn cruel sometimes. I just don’t think I deserved this at all. I don’t think anybody does. I can’t help but think that maybe I just am not good enough for this world.