My very... life
I'm a 16M, who is having a pretty good relationship with my family and also academically decent. I don't think I have any mental issues as of late. But there was a "dark era" where everything in my life started just falling down.
10 years old. Covid exploded. Everyone got infected, even my literal aunt who lives a province away, except me. I got isolated inside my room (which was supposed to by shared with my brother), exposed to the contents which weren't meant for my age. Social media... kinda left a scar on my life then. First it was Genshin. A fun game, and then I got introduced to shipping. Then my little head saw Diluc and Jean which were a very cute couple so I posted fanarts of them. Guess what? I got death threated. For literally having fun. Then of course some very... very negative content unfortunately popped on my fyp, which influenced me and the way I think even to this day.
11 years old. After half of the semester trapped in online school, I finally got to reunite with my friends. Until... I got bullied. Simply cause I was too chubby. At first it was nicknames like "Fatty" or "Biggie" which I didn't really mind. Until they called me that in every single scenario imaginable. When I'm speaking, studying, playing, mopping, or even in the restroom. What's worse was that my grandma was dying. Every day I can't even focus because I'm scared what's gonna happen to her. On a Friday, middle of a literature lesson, I got a text from mom saying "don't open grandma's room". I just started crying. What the hell could've happened? Stormed out and rushed back home to see my mom just standing by my grandma's bedside, completely ruined. My mom was a very organized and strict person, she kept this perfect image even from work to her family. At the funeral, my mom cried. For the first time in 10 years, I saw my mom cry. Seeing her so vulnerable just made me heartbroken. Yet when I was back to school, I got pantsed and even shamed on for just eating pizza. I couldn't take it so I cried to dad, who was furious and switched me to another school.
12 years old. 7th grade with new class and new friends. And I still got fat shamed. The bullying didn't get any better there. But at least I've found a friend group to belong in, so that was nice. Then... I saw my 19M brother jerking off to furry porn. I can't make this up. So he even had the audacity to introduce me to RULE 34 AT 11 YEARS OLD. Which started my very unhealthy porn addiction.
13 years old. I met a boy. He was the only person to not explicitly call me fat, even my "friend" group still fat-shamed me. He was very honest with his feelings, straight-forward, sassy, yet so, so fun to be with. I.. just had a crush on him. Until one of the friends in said group confessed to him. He LITERALLY said to her "I already knew". Like what. I was jaw-dropped since she was one of the most poker-faced people I've ever seen. Now I'm just scared that he could read me too. What's worse, my mom read BL. It wouldn't be a problem until my dad came in and just rants about how gayness is demonic and oh shit. My dad is HOMOPHOBIC.
14 years old. Still liked that boy. I couldn't go a single day without wishing I was a girl. Because then, I could confess to him. I could be respectfully rejected, or even have a secret little innocent relationship. I wouldn't be scared he was secretly homophobic. I wouldn't be scared of my dad finding out. I wouldn't be scared of society rejecting me. I was so overwhelmed by all these small things that I just started venting like now. I became an "energy vampire" without realizing. And my friends who I thought would be for life, abandoned me. They couldn't take it anymore. I'm tearing up just remembering. We had so many memories and went through so much in just 2 years, and all that was gone because of a stupid mistake I made. Now, I can't go a day without being scared I'm oversharing. And.. my brother dropped out and moved out due to an argument with my parents. We were always compared with eachother since childhood. I was considered more "perfect" than my brother, who's barely passing university with literal cheats. My bedroom never felt quieter.
15 years old. Got into my dream highschool. Academics, events, you name it. This school was excellent at everything. I joined my new class, hoping to restart. Until everyone started isolating my new friend circle due to drama. My porn addiction just deepened. I felt worse and worse about myself. Even a scolding from my literatur teacher made me question my life. Why do I even try? I'm gonna die someday anyway. When I got home. I saw a knife on the counter. I was... about to do questionable things with the knife until.. a candy dropped from my pocket. Right, a candy my friend gave. I just... sat there crying. Everything just got poured out, all my frustrations, all my regrets, all my self hatred. When I got back to bed, I realised. If I'm just going to be stagnant, there's no way I'll improve. So, I did. Gradually, I tried stopping my social media, porn and game addictions. I deeply focused on my studies. Spent more time with my family. And it got me to now, still being alive.
So now, I'm 16, hoping to share a message. I don't know what shit life is gonna throw at me in the future, but I know that there's always gonna be someone, waiting to say hello to you tomorrow.
