(Advice) Trying to support my wife with BPD the right way while struggling to understand what she needs
My wife (29F) has BPD and is really struggling mentally at the moment. I’m trying my best to support her, but I feel completely lost and would really appreciate advice from people who understand BPD — either personally or through a partner/family member.
For context, I’m 31M and mildly autistic. One thing I struggle with is reading emotions and knowing the “right” way to respond emotionally in tense situations. It’s not that I don’t care — I care deeply — but sometimes I genuinely don’t understand what support is needed in the moment, which is why I’m making this post instead of just assuming I know best.
Right now she’s pushing me away hard. She says she wants to be alone, gets overwhelmed very easily, and sometimes treats me pretty badly when I try to connect with her. I know this isn’t “about me,” but I think it’s important context because I’m struggling to understand what the right thing to do actually is.
What confuses me is that she’ll also make comments implying I don’t want to spend time with her or don’t care enough. The reality is I am trying. I’ll try sitting with her, talking to her, watching TV together, or even just quietly existing near her — but even small things can trigger a huge reaction.
For example, recently even sitting on the opposite end of the couch caused her to storm off, lock herself in our bedroom, and completely shut down. But then at night when she’s asleep, she’ll hold onto me all night and seems completely comfortable with closeness and affection.
I feel like I’m constantly getting mixed signals:
- if I give space, it feels like abandonment
- if I try to be close, it feels overwhelming for her
- if I ask what she needs, she often doesn’t know or gets upset
I love her deeply and genuinely want to reconnect with her instead of making things worse. I don’t want this to become a “poor me” post because I know she’s hurting too. I also know my autism can make emotional situations harder for me to navigate, and I’m trying to learn instead of becoming defensive or frustrated.
For people who have BPD or have loved someone with it:
- What actually helps during periods like this?
- How do you support someone without making them feel trapped or abandoned?
- How do you handle the push/pull dynamic without accidentally escalating things?
- Are there ways I can communicate more safely or clearly as someone who struggles with emotional cues?
I’d really appreciate honest advice.