I hate the way I feel
You know the problem that I have right now is that I am absolutely alone no matter what I do. When I met you I didn't know what to expect. In my past relationships I didn't have the feeling of love like I had with you. I did try to make things work with a few of them but ultimately things broke down like they always do in my life. I'm not sure why my life falls apart like this but I do know at any time I find happiness or some type of success in my life it always gets ripped away from me in the worst ways possible.
In the beginning when I met you I asked you that if you like to have a relationship with me that I believe that being completely honest and having absolutely no secrets between us was the key to a good relationship. Why would I not want to know everything about the person that I love. I know I didn't love you like I love you now at that moment but I feel like I can make my love extended to the very beginning because I think you are absolutely amazing and that everyday since that day my love continues to grow beyond my comprehension.
The problems in a relationship are difficult to deal with but the best part is being able to work them out together. I believed that all of our problems that we had in the beginning were my fault and that I was just angering you all the time. I didn't know what to do and it kept me up all night. I didn't understand anxiety at that time but as it stands right now that's all I know. Being without you is probably the worst thing I could ever experience. Even when I told you my secrets that you went ahead and use them against me. I didn't really care about that when it comes to being with you. I figured that if you wanted to hurt me do it all the way so hopefully in the end I wouldn't be around to experience not being with you.
When I told you that I didn't want to be abandoned I didn't expect you to use it as a weapon against me. When I asked you to please listen to me or just give me 5 minutes to talk, I didn't expect you to never give me that opportunity. Or when you came back you didn't care to reconcile the issues you just wanted to continue with other things and not try to make me feel better about where things were going. I didn't really understand what I had to do to fix things but I am not kidding when I say I learned the whole scope of psychology and sociology pertaining to relationships.
I love you so much that the idea of losing the person of so much in this life crippled me. To be paralyzed is such an understatement. I'm not trying to write this to make you feel bad, to maybe help you understand that every effort that I make you are always in it. And no way would I ever want anything bad to happen. In fact the only thing I care about is your happiness. So much so that even after I lost you that everything I do is to help other people find happiness within themselves. I do this in an effort to hopefully make the world happier not because it needs it because it definitely fucking needs it, but so you can live in a happier world which hopefully make you happy.
I don't know what the hell happened but this feeling I have is probably the worst thing I could ever experience. I don't hold you responsible for it but to always lose everything I love in the worst ways possible is a horrible way to live a life. I'm not sure if you intended to use my fears against me but needless to say they were used. When I asked you to please not sit in your car while we argued because I knew you were always going to drive away, it wasn't a tactic to trick you to stay but I desperate attempt to avoid my deepest fears of losing you.
My motivation in life is to be happy and try to help others in ways that I'm able to. As you know I'm able to do just about anything, fix anything, make anything, pretty much your imagination is my limitation. All I wanted to do was make your dreams come true. All I cared about was being there for you.
As you know you found difficult arguing with me because I would disarm your tactic you were using against me before you had a chance. It's not because I was predicting another argument but it was my love trying to reach through so we could be happy again. Regardless of what the problem is I knew we could work through it. As long as we both wanted it. That's when I said that the only way we can make if you were 100% in a relationship. Every effort is always worth the effort if you love each other. You kept asking me to prove it but it's impossible to prove it if you're not with me. I don't want to be successful by myself, I want to be successful together. I want to grow an empire with you not separately.
I love you with every fiber of my being. I own my existence to you for showing me what love is. I don't know where you are or what you're doing or if you're even still alive. But I do know one thing that at one point you did love me. If by chance you still do I would truly appreciate a conversation to hopefully break this horrible losing happiness bull crap. To be honest as it stands right now I don't really have a drive to live anymore. I don't want to experience more loss and I don't want to be happy alone. I put my value in people not in things. That's why I'm compelled to try to help people. I was hoping that maybe if you give you the opportunity to talk to you that maybe you would understand this and maybe try to see where my motivations really and why I love you so much.
You always complained about how you carried pain around and that every bad thing was something you had to carry, probably so you can use it as a weapon against me in her next argument, but that it was a burden. Pain is not supposed to be used as a device to harden you or to protect you from the next disaster. It's supposed to be a precursor to letting you know that you need to do something about it and try to resolve it so it doesn't happen anymore hopefully with the one that you love because all you should be feeling and holding in your heart is love. There's no room for anything else. I truly hope you find happiness within yourself. I'm giving you all my happiness because I can't feel happiness anymore without you.
My love for you is truly unconditional. It wasn't my choice but I truly am proud of it. You are astonishingly beautiful and absolutely amazing, and nothing less. Just so you know without you you ruined all of my sunsets. Now all I got is the shitty ass sunrises. Man do they suck but I don't really sleep anymore so whatever.