Still stuck
I’ve posted before, but back now because I’m hitting another cycle of being at the end.
TL - ranting
I’ve been in personal therapy for 4 years now and feel a ton of growth and recovery/repair from things that were having a deep and prolonged effect on me. It took quite a while to get my wife to couples therapy. And things reached a peak last December because I had been urging her to pursue her own solo therapy and doctors visits and she always had an excuse not to. Same old everything else is a priority.
Not to go into all the history but I had a major breach of trust with her about 16 years ago and tried to push through it for a long time until I couldn’t anymore. I attempted to voice it and also make my needs known and it just wasn’t being acknowledged in the way I needed.
Now I’m finding I’m looking forward more to times she is out of town or busy at work. I’m avoiding spending time with her. I’m not able to just turn it on for her and be interested when she’s suddenly showing interest in me. I feel a huge weight lifted when she’s gone and then feel guilty that I can’t just find my way back to her.
We have 3 kids and up until recently it hasn’t been hard backing mom up and not saying anything about her when I’m frustrated. I’ve noticed that I’m having a much harder time with this now, and it feels awful.
I feel like she doesn’t realize how she reacts and instigates conflict in the house with the kids. She tends to talk to them like she deals with her mother and sister, lots of emotion and overwhelm and defensiveness. The kids have all come to me to talk about now to handle mom.
I’m just worn out and tired of this and even now I’m not sure I have it in me to pull the plug.