Made the mistake of looking up my abuser today
Haven’t looked him up in nearly 5 years, I know it’s unhealthy to look him up. But my birthday is coming up and it’s a big trigger for me to start spiraling as he timed our first “in-person” meeting for my 18th birthday. I think I was hoping to find an obituary TBH.
He’s gotten married and now has 2 kids and is VP on an HOA board. He got his white picket fence dreams to come true, and I’m still dealing with this goddamn trauma 15 years after cutting the strings.
I had to run to the bathroom to puke.
Now I’m wondering if he’s still soliciting teen girls online. Wondering who else he’s harmed. If his wife knows. If his wife was a victim too. The thoughts are non-stop and I feel ill and numb all at once. No therapy session til next week. Just gonna white-knuckle it until then.
I hate that every birthday is like this. I hate that my coworkers wish me a “good birthday vacation!” Because I need to take the time off every year to avoid breaking down at work.
Should have been proactive about scheduling my therapy session. Shouldn’t have given in to the impulse to look him up.
Mad at myself and the world at large.