Struggling with how I feel about sex in my first relationship…
Hey guys! This is my first time posting here. I’m 25F and entered my first relationship a year ago. Before being in a relationship, I questioned if I was asexual but wasn’t sure and thought my feelings might change when in a relationship and when I finally experienced it (never had sex before the relationship), especially because I do have sexual trauma and thought that might be influencing my view on sex, which after growing and healing I no longer think the two are related.
Now I just feel guilty. My partner is very touchy and feely and likes intimacy, and sometimes I like it… but not really? It’s hard to describe. It has nothing to do with him or our relationship. The act feels good, but I honestly want it to be over with as soon as possible. Sometimes I’m repulsed by certain acts, especially when it comes to giving back (which is where a lot of my guilt is) and I’m not a very touchy person in general.
Despite this, I love masturbation ALONE and sometimes with my partner since it makes it easier to have intimacy without the touching.
My partner has expressed before that it makes him feel unwanted and unattractive, which I don’t mean, but I can’t really help how I feel towards sex. If I never had it again, I would be 100% happy and sometimes I only do it to make my partner happy and so he doesn’t feel rejected. It also doesn’t help that he can get pushy about it and sometimes I just give in to make him happy. And again, I do enjoy the feeling I get from it and I do get in “the mood” from time to time, but I hate performing the act. I’m just really confused.